The Start of Something New

2012-01-18T20:56:00.000-08:00

I wish I could tell you how much you really mean to me. I wish I didn't have these haunting memories that keep me up and give me nightmares when I somehow fall asleep. I wish I didn't always feel like this. I wish you cared. I wish I could move. I wish I could say what I'm feeling and not feel bad about it. I wish I could tell you everything that's on my mind all the time and know that I wouldn't be laughed at and know that I wouldn't end up in tears. why did things have to change? can we go back in time? do things over? start again? please..?

Where You go, I'll go..

2012-01-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you

I remember the beginning of my freshman year, when each student got called into the counselor's office to make a four year plan. I already knew everything that I wanted to take in high school. I knew all my classes would be honors, and I knew where I wanted to go after high school and what I wanted to major in and what I wanted my emphasis to be. I sat down with the counselor and told her my plans, and left the counseling office feeling very confident in my future. I remember feeling so excited about the next four years, and I remember praying as I walked back to class. I told God that my life was His. I told Him that, even though I had spent a lot of time planning my life out, He could change it if He wanted. At the time, I don't think I expected much to change. I wanted to be a children's ministry director at a church. I figured that just had to be in God's will for my life. I had never loved anything as much as I loved teaching Sunday school. It sounds corny, but I didn't think anything could ever mean so much to me. Then I went to San Francisco.

The fact that I even went to San Francisco should have given me a clue that God took my prayer seriously. My youth group was originally supposed to go to Mexico, where we would get to work with little kids. I was so excited about this; I was great with kids. Obviously God wanted me there. But due to safety issues we ended up cancelling the trip, and my youth pastor told me we would be going to San Francisco to do homeless ministry instead. At that point I figured that God didn't need me for this trip. I hated talking to strangers. I couldn't even go up to people in a store to ask where something was. It made me so nervous. So the next time I saw Chris he asked if I would be going to San Francisco. Up until that point I had been prepared to say no, but God's voice overpowered mine at that moment, and without knowing what I was doing, I said yes. I know it wasn't me that spoke that day. That was definitely God speaking through me. I went to San Francisco and my life was changed. I experienced things and saw things that forever changed who I was. I still wanted to work with kids, but I knew God had so much more in mind.

It sounds cheesy to say so, but the next few years went quickly. My senior year is halfway over, and I'm not sure where time went. I've gone to San Francisco for three summers now, and each year I leave a larger part of my heart there. The city is so broken and yet so beautiful, and I can't help but love it. I would still love to be a children's ministry director, and maybe one day I will. But right now, I believe God's calling me to San Francisco. I've been applying to colleges, but a huge part of me feels as if it's a waste. I don't believe that's where He wants me this year. I think He wants me to take the same step I did when I first agreed to go to San Fran.

The lyrics that I posted at the beginning of this post have become my lyrics to live by. We were singing this song in church yesterday, and I broke down crying. It's a huge statement to make, telling God you'll go where he goes, love who he loves. God goes into scary places. He loves people that my selfish side would love to ignore. So as my senior year ends, and I try to figure out what comes next, I will hold onto the truth that God has a plan for me that is infinitely better than anything I could ever plan for myself.

-Sav

2011-12-11T16:02:00.000-08:00

Church was exactly what I needed today. I have a really hard time with control. I want to control things, and I have this illusion of control, as if somehow I'm actually doing something or controlling something. I like to put myself on the same level as God. it's ridiculous, me thinking I have the power to change someone's heart or thoughts or ways. Only God can do that. I was thinking today of the story when Jesus calms the storm. When I apply this story to my life, it's like Jesus is standing on the boat saying "Hey sav, why don't you come join me in the boat? I'm about to calm the waves." and I'm standing out in the sea, fighting the overwhelming waves and thunder and rain, saying "no thanks Jesus. I think I have control over this one."

It's ridiculous when I think of it this way. as if I really ever had control. as if I can do anything. God's always been in control. I'm just a little kid who's been too stubborn to admit defeat and run back to God. but it's starting now. I'm learning to let it go and let God do what He will in His perfect timing. It's scary and I'm broken but it feels amazing.

2011-11-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

I think I have abandonment issues. I also have issues spelling that word. I feel like there should be an E after the second N. anyway, I'm terrified of people leaving. maybe everyone feels this way. maybe I'm just a dramatic teenager who feels like she's the only one who's ever felt this way. I know I'm not. but I also know that it's unhealthy how much of my time is spent wondering what I would do if someone decided one day they didn't love me anymore. I'd like to blame my dad for this. isn't that who most people blame their problems on? their parents? yeah. I love my dad. but he left me. he left my family. he came back. he's in my life now. he didn't stay away. but not seeing my dad every day when I was younger had a big impact on my life. people always leave. and I guess that's one of those facts of life that you just have to get used to. but it definitely sucks. especially when you care about someone so much that you can't imagine your life without them. that person that you wish you could force to stay. but there's never a guarantee that they'll always love you. there's nothing like that in life. God will never leave. I forget that a lot. I feel like there's nothing concrete in life, but God is. He will always always always love me. and that's what I need to hold onto.

2011-05-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

After Michael broke my heart, I remember crying to my sister for hours. I told her I felt so foolish for being so gullible and falling for someone so easily. I felt foolish for forgiving him after the past I knew he had. But I did all those things. I believed him when he said he cared about me and I fell for him and I forgave him and I felt SO stupid. But when I talked to my sister she said that I’m not the one who should feel embarrassed. She said that I should never feel bad for loving easily, or for forgiving easily, or for being willing to trust people. She said i wasn’t at fault and that Michael should be embarrassed instead of me.

Well here I am two years later, and I still have the same problems. I'm not sure if I should call them problems, but I still love easily, forgive easily, and trust easily. Unfortunately this means I get hurt easily. And I haven't quite figured out how to handle this. I feel like either way I'll get hurt. But I know what God wants me to do, and I know that there will be a day when I'll realize that my actions weren't in vain. Does that make sense? Probably not.

-Savannah

P.S. This is my favorite quote in the WHOLE world:

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

—	C.S. Lewis

2011-05-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

love's kinda a hard concept to wrap your mind around. maybe we should just love instead of questioning why we should love people or how we should love them.

2011-04-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

so does this mean I suck as much at relationships as my dad does? kay cool

2011-04-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

It's spring break right now, and I wish I could say my life was on break. I'm having a sort of stressful break. Last week I went up to Oregon with my mom, and I realized that I am just not ready to grow up. We spent the week looking at schools, and I came home more unsure of what I wanted to do with my future than I was when I went up there. I thought I knew what school I wanted to go to, and what I wanted to major in, but now I have no idea what I want to do at all. All I know is that I want to stop sex trafficking or somehow help the victims of sex trafficking. But I don't know how exactly I want to do that..do I want to go to law school and work on the criminal justice side of things? Or do I want to major in psychology and become a counselor to help the girls who get out of the trade? I don't know what I want to do. I'm not sure what God wants me to do. And it scares me not knowing what I'm doing. I like to always know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I like for things to be planned out to the very last second. God has other plans though. I think that's how God gets me to trust Him. If I knew what He had planned for me months in advance, I would have no need to trust Him or follow Him. But because I don't always know what He has planned, I have to stick close to His side so that I can follow His plans when He does choose to reveal them to me. I've been praying a lot these past few months about colleges and careers and what I want to do with my life, or rather what God wants me to do with my life. I still don't know, but I do know that God has something great in store. I know that He wants to use me to do great things. I'm going to trust Him. He knows what He's doing.

-Savannah

C'est la vie

2011-04-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple requests for a blog lately. I'm not really sure why. I don't have much to say. I guess that's not true. I could probably write for hours about nonsensical things that have happened lately, and my 2 blog readers would be bored out of their mind. My best friend Natalion (that's her full name, in case you were wondering) just writes what she did that day or things of that nature so maybe I'll do that.

I went to a test prep session this morning for 3 hours. The first AP test of the year is on May 6th, and I'm stressing out so much about it. I don't want to pay $87 for a test just to fail, so I've been studying like crazy. I carry 300 flashcards with me pretty much everywhere I go in case there's a spare moment when I can whip them out and refresh my brain on just what the Proclamation of 1763 declared. I got home from the review session, and pulled out my flashcards again. However, exhaustion got the best of me, and I fell asleep with my pen and highlighter in hand, as well as flashcards all around me.

After my extremely lengthy nap, I texted Ben and Natalie. I had wanted to see Ben that day buuut things didn't work out, so Natalie and I decided to have a Friends marathon. We went on a walk, talked for a few hours, watched a few hours of Friends, made pizza, and caught up on our friendship. It was a fun day, and it helped me relax from all the stress of AP testing.

After getting home and arguing with Ben over nothing (if you can call it arguing), I had a long phone conversation with Samantha. I love talking on the phone, and I wish texting didn't even exist. Actually getting to hear someone's voice means a whole lot more than reading a text from them. We talked about relationships, and she made me feel justified in believing what I believe. I think everyone needs a friend that supports them like Samantha does me.

The day's coming to an end now, and I'm exhausted. Even though it's spring break, it's still a Monday, and I'm still tired. I had an emotional day, although I'm an emotional person and I guess that's what's to be expected. I go through these phases where I think of myself as unlovable, but God always sets me straight on that one. This week I'm in one of those phases, but I know the truth and just because I don't always feel it doesn't mean it's not true.

With that I guess this blog will come to a close. I realize it was kind of random, but I felt like I had a lot I needed to get out, and even though this blog might not seem like it got anything out, it did. So I'm off to bed. Maybe I'll post tomorrow and actually make this blog a daily thing again.

-Savannah

2011-04-08T15:07:00.000-07:00

I hate high school dances. I think they're disgusting, and I hate watching kids get away with inappropriate things just because it's a school dance. I hate watching kids pretty much have sex on the dance floor. I hate how immoral things seem there. So I don't go to these dances. I avoid them. I wish it was as simple as that though. I wish that purity was something easy to keep for high schoolers. I hate how easily kids my age give into inappropriate things. I believe it's possible to remain pure. I believe purity comes down to more than just not having sex. I believe it's a matter of staying as far away from impure things as possible. I don't believe in this idea of doing as much as possible without actually having sex. I'm pretty sure God tells us to flee from sexual immorality. and I know we're not perfect, and I know that satan knows where we're weakest, and that's where he'll attack us, but I also know that God is big enough to pull us through the temptation. I believe in running to God when things get tough, not running away from Him. I'm upset right now. I'm tired and I need to pray because sometimes I forget how satan tempts all of us, and sometimes I forget that I need to constantly be praying and maintaining my relationship with God. so that's what I'm going to go do now: have a nice long heart to heart with God.

2011-03-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

I don't write blogs very much anymore. I feel like an attention whore when I write them, although I don't write them in the hopes that everyone will read them. most of the time I write them just to get my thoughts out. but right now I want to write one just so I can get a whole bunch of attention.

I'm at home and I'm ridiculously sick. Every time I cough I feel like one of my lungs is about to come out. my head is pounding and I have a fever. and no one is home. I was supposed to go to my brother's improv show tonight and instead I got really sick so I'm at home, laying in bed, writing a blog about how much I hate my life. Ben's off at the movies, Natalie's at work, Cass isn't answering her phone, and I'm alone.

I'm not very good at relationships. I'm selfish and moody and hard to get along with and I don't know why I bother sometimes. But the terrible thing is that as much as I suck at relationships, all I want to do is keep my relationships going. I'm terrified of the people I love leaving me. I'm terrified of my friends and my boyfriend and my family finding someone better and moving on and never looking back. why would they be upset about losing someone who sucks at relationships?

I know that's a terrible way to think, and it's terribly unfair because I trust that those people won't leave me because I know they love me as much as I love them. but it's hard. and on nights like tonight, when everyone else is out doing exciting things, I can't help but think these things.

I think I'm done writing now. I didn't really write anything that made sense. oh welllllll.

2011-03-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

Every day it becomes more and more clear that I suck at relationships. I don't know how to care for people. I'm selfish and jealous and impulsive and I'm just terrible at relationships. and as much as I'd like to deny it all day long, everything that happens reminds me of something my dad has at some point done to me. I'm terrified of ending up with a guy just like my dad. Michael ended up being everything that my dad was. ben is everything my dad isn't, and yet I'm still terrified of getting hurt. I'm terrified of getting left, of not being good enough, of my friends finding better friends and moving on. I'm absolutely scared out of my mind. and I'm so mad at my dad for it. I love him so much, but I'm mad that he has absolutely no idea just how much he's affected me. I'm mad that I can't get over what he did, and that every day the pain is still there. I'm upset that I don't have the dad I wish I did. but I'm trying hard to trust God. I believe He can heal these hurts I have, and I believe that in the midst of this pain and struggle, He is there. I believe that while I might not know how to love, He does, and as long as I'm sticking with Him, I think I'll be just fine.

2011-03-02T22:52:00.000-08:00

Hey God,

I don't have any eloquent things to say right now. I'm hurting. I'm broken. and I need your help. I'm mad at you God..and I know you have some grand plan through all of this, but I can't see it and I'm scared. I'm upset and I want you to make things bettter. I want to know that things will get better. Otherwise I just want to give up. I know you have great things planned God, and I know I said I wanted you to mold me into someone that could do your work for you, but I never knew it would hurt this badly. and if you don't mind, I think I'm just going to cry for a while, and try and figure out just why it is that I'm hurting so badly.

love,
sav

2011-02-27T20:48:00.000-08:00

No, of course I'm not upset dad. I shouldn't be surprised. you've never been good at relationships. I just wish you gave me a reason to believe in love. I think I'm going to go cry now.

2011-02-18T23:19:00.000-08:00

I kind of just had the best night ever. and this blog will have no real point to it, except that I just feel like telling everyone how amazing my night was. It was an amazing night, with amazing people, and one person in particular who kind of just made my year. I always talk about how much I hate choir, but tonight, it was kind of the greatest thing ever.

2011-02-05T21:58:00.000-08:00

I used to think I could write profound blogs that would help other people in some way, that in some way my silly blog posts would bring people to realize some life change they need to make. I don't believe that anymore. I used to believe so strongly in the idea of story-the idea that everyone has a story and that everyone's story is worth telling. Now I'm sitting here thinking that I haven't had a story worth writing in a long time, and that my blog is the most ridiculous thing I ever decided to create. But here I am, writing another blog about nothing.

Last year was extremely stressful for me. I was in hard classes, and I remember spending numerous nights in tears while attempting to finish my homework before 3 in the morning so I could at least squeeze in a couple of hours of sleep. Well this year is even worse. I feel so stupid all the time. I used to be considered the smart one in my group of friends. Now I feel as if I get dumber each year while my friends are soaring past me with their incredible grades.

I've also started to think that I'm really just a jerk. I don't understand why I have the friends that I do. they're so much nicer than me, and most of the time I feel like I don't deserve to have such forgiving friends in my life. It reminds me a lot of the way God is. He loves me even when I'm just a huge pile of crap.

My mom's been getting better. in a few weeks, all the doctor's appointments should be done, and I'm hoping that will bring a sense of healing into our lives that we haven't felt in a long time.

I think about sex trafficking every day, and I'm constantly in prayer for those girls. I will do something do stop all that's happening in my own state. I'm scared to death of what God has planned for me, but I'm so excited. I love that God has given me something to be passionate about, and I love that he's not letting the fire inside of me go out. If I spend my whole life in Thailand, unmarried and living in a hut made out of mud, I will be happy knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do.

My brothers always joke around with me about getting a boyfriend. While they like to tease me about never having had a boyfriend, they tell me I'm so much smarter than them for not dating in high school. The truth is, I don't feel like I deserve a good guy half the time. I tend to think that I'm too immature, clingy, and mean to even have a guy get that close to me . And as much as I absolutely hate admitting it, michael left me pretty jaded, and I'm not willing to let a guy get that close to me if he's gonna break me down like michael did. I can't handle that again. and while I'd like to say that he has absolutely no part of who I am today, that's not true. He can be found in every bitter part of me, and I hate him for that. so basically I have these huge self esteem issues, piled in with huge trust issues, and I don't even know how to handle that so I just pretend that those issues don't exist and that I'm just too mature to date in high school. ha.

I'm also starting to struggle a lot with choir. I feel like people go in there with morals, and come out with none. but then I think maybe they never really had morals if they collapsed so easily. Maybe God wasn't the foundation of their morals. or maybe satan knew just where to hit them to bring them down. I don't know. it really hurts me though. I pray constantly for the protection of my friends in what I consider an ungodly world. but sometimes my voice seems so small and my prayers seem so insignificant.

I'm going to end this blog here. I guess I wrote all there was to write about, which basically adds up to nothing.

2011-01-05T20:25:00.001-08:00

On my way to school this morning, I could see a huge pillar of black smoke. I got to school, and no one seemed to know what had been burning, and I forgot about the fire. but when I got home I found out that a mom had died in a house fire in Pinon Hills, leaving behind 3 kids and a husband. It makes me so sad to think about, especially when I think that it was such a sudden death, and that she has kids between ages 2 and 12. I can't imagine what her family and friends are experiencing right now, but I do know that they will be in my prayers. Someone dying really puts things into perspective. no matter who it is, it always cuts me, and makes me feel like calling every single person in my phonebook and telling them I love them.

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T16:07:00.000-08:00

I want to write a conclusive blog of the whole year. A blog that sums up what I've learned and what I've done. I'm not sure if I know exactly how to do this, so I don't think I'm going to try.

I don't remember last new years. I have absolutely no idea where I was or what I was doing. It's funny how that happens. I think I was at winter camp on the 1st, but I can't remember celebrating on the 31st of December.

This year was a trying one. It was filled with some incredibly tough things. Sometimes I'm just reminded that things that happened years ago will always be a part of who I am. I got my first taste of cancer, and it was/is disgusting. I learned to appreciate the people in my life at all times. I went to San Francisco and my life was changed. I realized that there was no way I could not do something to stop sex trafficking. I quickly realized too that people wouldn't be supportive of this career. I went back to dance, and found it was one of the best decisions I made all year. I joined choir and have regretted it everyday since then. I took chemistry and got my first C on a report card. I continuously faced the trial of giving up my desires for a relationship to God.

Looking back, I feel as if I lost a lot this year. A little part of me died this summer when everything was going on, and God's slowly fixing the parts of me that are broken. I still cry for things that happened in 2010. I still had the same relationship problems with my dad that I did in 2009.

I'm learning not to interfere with God's plan. He knows what He's doing, and I want to be willing and able for Him to use me. Sometimes God calls me to do hard things, but if that's what God's wants me to do, there's nowhere else I want to be.

I guess that last sentence sums up my feelings about 2010. I have no idea what God wants to do in my life. He's tried me in every possible way, and I don't always understand why. However I know that nothing is an accident, and that God is watching over me all the time, and this has been enough to comfort me in the hard times. I may not know where God wants me, but I'm trying to be what He wants me to be, and I think that's enough. I think the desire to serve God is enough, even if I'm not always sure where God wants me serving.

I'm wishing my two blog-readers a happy new year, and I'm sorry if you tried to understand this whole thing.

-Savannah

2010-12-27T16:23:00.000-08:00

Cancer sucks. a lot.

that sums up the last 6 months of my life.

2010-12-23T00:59:00.000-08:00

I went and saw my favorite Broadway show with my mom tonight. I'm such a huge fan of plays, and after the show I told my mom that I want to marry a guy who will take me to the theater all the time. She laughed, but then later that night she told me that she hopes I hold out for a guy that will take me to the theater. She said that she always said the same thing, and then she married my dad, who never took her to any plays.

The older I get, the more I hear little comments like these. My mom is scared I'll make the same mistakes she does. and honestly, so am I. I like to think I'm more mature than most kids my age. I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm extremely careful when it comes to things like that. I've seen enough mistakes in relationships to know exactly what not to do. but I've never seen an example as to what I should do in a relationship. so I avoid them all together. I like guys, but I never want to date them. I get scared. I don't want to make mistakes and get hurt or hurt others.

I wish I knew how to fix that. I don't think it's a problem that I'm guarded, especially at my age. I'm 16, and in no rush to get married. But what if this fear continues? What if I'm 30, and still too scared to give any guy a chance? There have been some really good guys that have liked me, the kind that fit my "checklist". and yet I run from those boys more than the ones that are actually trouble. I guess right now that means I'm just not mature enough to date, but what if that's still how things are in 15 years?

I don't think any of this is making sense. But I'm praying that God will help me make sense of everything. I'm putting my trust in the One who never fails. I know that God will provide, and calm my fears, and take away my worry, because He's never failed to do so before. I just wish I could make sense of everything that I'm feeling at the moment.

2010-12-10T23:19:00.001-08:00

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going, I do not see the road ahead of me, I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
— Thomas Merton

2010-12-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

I am so angry right now. Words cannot describe just how upset I'm feeling right now. I feel as if choir is the Sodom and Gomorrah of my high school. If I could describe the number of inappropriate things that happen in that class, my head might explode. That class scares me. As dramatic as it may sound, I'm positive that satan is at work in that class. I can count the number of people that actually have morals on one hand. They are the few people I'm friends with in that class. I don't separate myself from the "bad" kids. I still love them and I'm still friends with them, but I get so sick to my stomach just being around them. I can feel satan attempting to attack me every time I'm in there. I'm hurt by the choices I see my friends making. I'm angry at the things they let happen to themselves. I'm upset that they don't see how valuable they are and how much they deserve the best. I need to keep praying. I need to stay close to God as these days grow harder. I fear God, not man. I do not care if the people around me are judging me for the choices I am making. I only care that I am serving God. I don't always know what that may mean, but I do know that I am trying my best to walk by his side, and that's all that matters.

-Sav

"Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all make the choice between was is right and what is easy." -Albus Dumbledore

Moments

2010-10-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

You know those moments that impact you in such a huge way, that you don't even realize it until months later, and you wonder why you're acting the way you do. It all comes down to moments. There are moments that take our breath away. There are moments that leave us beyond scared. There are moments that make us wonder just what it is we're even doing. And all of these moments leave us with some lingering feelings. That first guy that breaks your heart leaves you with a fear of making the same mistakes. That person close to you that got cancer leaves you with a fear of losing the ones you love in the blink of an eye. The friend that betrayed you leaves you reluctant to trust other friends. That divorce that happened leaves you terrified of repeating others' mistakes.

Moments turn into a lifetime very easily. Before too long we begin making choices based on these moments, and we don't even realize it. Maybe sometimes it's a good thing. Those moments that teach us to appreciate life are important ones. But those moments that leave us wounded, those moments that leave us thinking things won't or can't get better, those are the moments I wish I'd never experienced. Those are the moments that I would kill to erase. But when it comes down to it, I am who I am because of the moments that have made up my story. I can't get rid of them; I can only learn more of who I am through them.

2010-10-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

This week has been weird. You know those weeks where you're just emotional? Like all of your fears and hopes and dreams are sitting right underneath your skin, and the slightest thing can set you off? That's what my week has been. It's only Wednesday, and already I've snapped at a few friends, cried a few times, and questioned just what it is that I'm doing in life. Every day in Spanish I've talked my friend's ear off about all these different guys, and all my different problems, and I've been this terrible, stereotypical teenage girl. I'm tired of it, honestly. I've always been told I'm more mature than most my age, but right about now, I feel like I'm in 7th grade all over again. I'm tired and moody and cranky and emotional, and I just wish that things could be a little normal tomorrow.

2010-10-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

My emotions have been on edge this week. My thoughts are cluttered. My heart's confused. And it's left me feeling very unsettled. I want to have all the answers, all the time. I want to know what the right choice is, and know that it's going to lead to something good. I want to see into the future. But God knows the plans he has for me, and they're plans for me to prosper and not hurt, plans to give me a hope and a future. and that's enough for me to know that I'll be alright.

2010-09-24T21:17:00.001-07:00

I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm still trying to figure out what God's purpose is for me. I wish I knew what I was doing.

You were created to be loved

2010-09-10T23:28:00.001-07:00

I am halfway through high school, and in a way, it's everything I expected it to be. When I graduated 8th grade, I figured that there would be dumb kids who would do dumb things and that if I stayed away from them, I wouldn't get sucked into doing dumb things with them. and that's the plan I've stuck to. I'm proud of the person I am right now. I am proud of the things I've managed to avoid, even when everyone started doing dumb things. I am so blessed that I've had God walking with me these past two years because without Him I would not be the person I am. I would be one of the dumb people doing dumb things.

There is a girl in my AP U.S. History class who is pregnant. I don't know her very well, in fact, I've never talked to her. I didn't even know who she was until this year when everyone was talking about how she was pregnant. I went onto her facebook to find out a little more about her situation, because, let's be honest, who hasn't facebook stalked at least once before? So after I was reading her facebook, I found out her and her boyfriend/fiance (yes, they're engaged) had been dating for less than 6 months when she got pregnant. They've been an on and off couple since the pregnancy, but the girl's parents are oddly supportive of their daughter's pregnancy and marriage. It's not simply that they support her; it's as if they're proud of her for getting pregnant. I could totally be misreading the situation, but it seems to me that this girl will experience a sad end to her teenage years. Up until today I thought she was totally content with her situation. I thought that this baby was what she wanted, and that she thought she had a pretty firm grip on her life. But when I got home from dance auditions tonight, I went on her facebook and I saw this status:

"i wish i was somebody else. i've always been the farthest thing from what i wanted for myself."

My heart broke when I read that. I'm more prideful than I should be. I know it's wrong and I know it's something I need to work on. But I have never experienced the feeling that this girl is experiencing. Like I said earlier, I do not know this girl. If I was even friends with her on facebook, then I would do my best to tell her just how valuable she is. It is never too late to turn your life around. If you are not who you wish to be, then do something about it. Don't set your standards so low for yourself. Don't give up on those dreams you had for yourself. You're worth so much more than guys that date you only for sex. You're worth more than sleazy comments and eyes that look everywhere but your face. Aside from all of that, you're worth an amazing future. You deserve the chance to be this person you want to be.

"The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story."

-TWLOHA

-Savannah

haters can hate?

2010-09-10T15:23:00.001-07:00

Whoever said, "Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," was the dumbest person in the world. I don't believe people when they say, "haters can hate," on formspring, because I believe that eventually those 'words' people start to say can dig pretty deep. We may say we don't care what others think of us, that their opinions don't mean anything, but I don't believe that's what we really believe. I think the reason behind alot of what we do is due to the fact that we don't want others to have a poor opinion of us. I always tell people that I would love to be bald. I would love to just shave all my hair off, and not have to worry about getting up earlier each morning to make it look presentable. If it was socially acceptable for girls to be bald, I would seriously shave my head right now. Unfortunately, I care too much what others think to actually do it. I would love to be able to simply let insults roll off of me like they're nothing. But when people say hurtful things, the natural response is to get hurt. I wish it wasn't true. I wish that when people said mean things to me, I could shrug it off and move on. But words dig deep. Someone in class today said some things to me that hurt, and while I may never see this person again after they graduate this year, I may always remember what they said. I guess that's why our parents always told us that if we didn't have anything nice to say, to not say anything at all. Maybe it was because they remember something someone said to them at one time. Maybe it's because they understand the power a few words can have. Maybe it's because they also knew how ridiculous the first quote I posted was, because words can very easily leave us wounded.

-Savannah

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss

Impossible Mountains

2010-09-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I always thought the mountains looked so easy to climb. We would drive by, and the top looked so close to me. It never seemed as if they were out of my reach. They also never seemed very steep to me. I thought that not only could I climb them, I could climb them with very little effort.

Sometimes I wish I still had that drive. I wish I would see the mountains ahead of me and think of how easily I could climb them. I wish I wouldn't see how steep they were, or how tall they were. I wish they were nothing but a little hill to me. Unfortunately, I become very weak when I see the mountains in my path. I make half-hearted attempts at climbing them. It's as if I stand at the bottom, barely start to run up before I fall, and then sit at the bottom of the mountain in criss cross applesauce position, and cry. I feel like I cannot recall what the view is like from the top of the mountain. All I can see in front of me is this impossibly huge mountain.

I want that attitude that no mountain is too high for me to climb. I want, no, I need encouragement. I need a nice big push to get me running. And then I need to not stop running until I've passed the mountain. I just need to keep running until this is all behind me...

-Savannah

Philippians 4:13

Sweet 16

2010-09-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday. People keep asking if I feel older. I guess for the first birthday I can really remember, I do feel a little bit older. It suddenly hit me yesterday that I have two years until I'm legal. 2 more years until I move out (maybe). I just have 2 more years. When I was sitting on facebook one of my friends had posted a status stating her desire to get out of her house and for her life to begin. She graduated this past year, and I think she's going to community college at the moment. I already posted a blog about this topic, but my friend made me realize my frustrations with this issue even more. I do not believe that there is a certain point where our lives actually start. I believe our life has already started. the small choices we make every day make up our life. The way we choose to treat those around us, the way we choose to respond to the trials that face us every day, all of these things are our life. I refuse to be a complacent teenager who has no goals of making an impact until she leaves high school. I don't want to fit the stereotype of a teenager, who does nothing but text, sit on facebook, and think about boys. I want to live a life that is pleasing to God. I want to live a life that is pleasing to God every single day. I don't want to put it off until tomorrow, or next month, or next year, or 20 years from now. My life is already in action. It's already happening. Sure, I have two more years until I graduate and get to decide if I want to go to college, if I want to move out, or if I want to go to the ends of the world to live with the broken and the hurting all for God. But does that mean that I should spend the next two years only thinking of the future? I don't think so. I think it means I get to enjoy two more years with my mom, who I love so much. I have two more years of not having to worry about paying for school. I have two more years of getting to serve the people in my community, of getting to serve at my church, and grow in my relationship with God. Two years seems like a lifetime. I have two years of getting to live my life. It's not going to start when I graduate. It's already started.

Proverbs 3:5-6

2010-08-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6

I memorized this verse a very long time ago, but, like many other verses I've memorized, it takes on a new meaning each time I read it. This idea of trust is a hard one for me. I don't trust easily, but when I do, I trust people completely. I used to trust easily, for the most part. But all it takes is one person to break that, and then this horrible wall goes up around my heart and I do my best to block others out. It seems to be that most people that we trust will hurt us at one time or another. I've hurt people that trusted me. I'm not perfect and neither are the people I love. It's understandable for me to not trust people that continuously have hurt me, but why is it so hard for me to grasp the concept of trusting in the Lord with all my heart? See, God's never let me down. He's never broken the trust I had in Him. I did a search for the word trust in the Bible, and I liked these two verses

Deuteronomy 1:31-32 And in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. In spite of this you did not trust the Lord your God.

God has carried me through so much. Through my parents' divorce, through my nephew's accident, and even through all that's gone on this past summer, and yet it is so hard for me to trust God will pull me through this. See I trust God in theory a lot of times. It's easy for me to say during the happy times that I trust God, but it is during the most difficult times that those verses about trusting God actually count for something. God's carried me through the driest deserts, and yet I find myself forgetting those times. It's easy to trust God with only part of my heart, but this verse requires a sincere devotion to the Lord, and the commitment of your whole heart.

I like putting verses into my own words because I'm starting to find that that's when I truly begin to understand the verses. That being said, here's my version of Proverbs 3:5-6:

My dearest child, believe that I have the strength to carry you through this trying time. Take a leap of faith and know that I will catch you. Give me your whole heart and I will not disappoint you. Be confident in the hope I have for you. Do not try to figure out what I am doing through you; it will only confuse you. This plan is more intricate, more complex than you can see right now. Have confidence in my plans for you. Put your faith in me, put your fears and your dreams and your heart into me, and I will show you the way. Love, Daddy.

Isaiah 41:10

2010-08-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

I've been going through a rough time lately. My friend posted this verse on my wall and it's been driving me insane ever since I read it. It's a verse I've read so many times, but it's just now starting to get to me.

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
isaiah 41:10

I read this verse, and it really made me think. It actually made me really mad. God tells me not to be discouraged?!?! Are you freakin kidding me??? With everything that's going on, you expect me to not be discouraged?????

So, as I normally try to do when I get upset or don't understand a verse, I went online and did a study of it. Many of the versions of the verse say do not be dismayed, so then I looked up the definition of dismayed and came up with this:

–verb (used with object)

1. to break down the courage of completely, as by sudden danger or trouble; dishearten thoroughly; daunt: The surprise attack dismayed the enemy.

2. to surprise in such a manner as to disillusion: She was dismayed to learn of their disloyalty.

It's so easy to lose heart when things are going wrong. It is the easiest thing to sit in a puddle of tears, and cry that things will never get better and that we can't believe that this is happening to us. But When I studied the verse a little more, I realized that we do not have to lose heart because we have God holding us up. Whenever I run out of courage, I can go to God and He'll fill me up. Whenever I feel I'm falling, God's victorious right hand will be holding me up. Whenever I feel so weak, God will give me the strength I need to get through it. There will not be a God-forsaken moment in this journey I'm taking with Him. He will be there through all of it. He will give my hope and strength even when I feel I cannot handle what life has thrown at me. So when He says this verse, I like to think of Him saying it in this way:

"My dearest child, you do not need to be scared and you do not need to lose hope, because I am your God. Do not fall under the impression that you are beyond my reach. Do not be disillusioned in such a way that leads you to believe that I have forgotten what I'm doing. I still have control. I have all the strength you will need to get through this, and when you think you're all out of strength, I'll only give you more. I'll be there to carry you when you are exhausted, and I will be there to bless you when you stand through this trial with me. I believe in you. I love you. Don't lose heart. Love, Dad."

-Savannah

2010-08-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

I wish I could be selfish for just one day. My birthday is on Wednesday. I'm scared it will suck due to the circumstances. I just want to be selfish.

2010-08-27T15:24:00.000-07:00

I have had a very exhausting week. It's been full of doctors and homework and fevers and cramps and more doctors. I'm so tired. It's not that I need more sleep. I'm getting an average amount of sleep. It's really that I need a break. I just want to get away from all of it. I want things to go back to normal. You know when you were little, and you hated leaving your mom? Even the most sociable of children run to their mom after being away from them for a while. Right now I feel like the 2 year old who wants no one but her mom. I get home from school, and do my homework on the couch while my mom sleeps or watches tv. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch until she wakes up and tells me to go to bed. Then when I get into my bedroom, I start to cry. I haven't cried in front of my mom for a while. I don't want her to know how scared all of this makes me. I want her to think I'm strong. I want to be strong for her sake. She doesn't need another reason to worry. So by the time I'm alone in my room, I cry. I'm exhausted. and I just want to sit and vent and complain and be a total baby for just a little while.

Hi, I'm Savannah, and I'm selfish

2010-08-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'm selfish. I want someone who cares only about me, and doesn't have anyone else in their life that they care about more, except maybe God. I want attention at all times, and I want constant reminders that I'm loved. Hi, I'm savannah, and I'm messed up.

Gotta get out of here...

2010-08-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

I'm in Little Shop of Horrors right now at my school, and I'm a member of skid row. One of the song sings about what it's like "downtown". the director was telling us that we really have to experience what it's like to be homeless, to be stuck in a place where everyone wants out. One of the lines of the song made me ache as I was singing it:

"Someone show me a way to get outta here. 'Cause I constantly pray I'll get outta here. Please won't somebody say I'll get outta here."

The reason I ache when I read this is because it makes me think of San Francisco. It makes me think of all the people who are stuck in this horrible place, and just want out. I know how it feels to be stuck. I've never been physically stuck somewhere like skid row, but I know how horrible it is to be stuck in a cycle of mistakes and regrets. My heart breaks even more when I realize that there are people that don't know that Jesus is their way out. Maybe Jesus won't take you off the streets, but he can offer you so much more. There's a huge hole in my heart that's been there ever since I left San Francisco. It hasn't gone away, and the ache hasn't lessened. It's as strong as ever and it serves as a constant reminder of what and who I need to pray for. I feel so helpless sometimes when I think about all the people in San Francisco, and all around the world for that matter, that need help. But when I remember that God is my strength, I don't feel so weak. When I remember that God is the best and only effective way out of those places we feel stuck in, I start to feel a little hopeful..

-Savannah

Choir

2010-08-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

I have had one of the most ridiculous weeks ever. I don't really want to write about it because I don't want to think about the situation any more than I already have, but I find that recording trying times in my walk with God is a good idea as it reminds me of the times God has turned a bad situation into a good one.

I spent the whole summer stressing out about whether or not I wanted to do choir. I came to choir camp, and after that I decided that I would do it since it would get me the rest of my fine art and pe credits. I told Cox that school would be my top priority, and that I wouldn't be stressing out about choir stuff all the time. So I went to the first couple days of class, and I just felt like I was really going to hate choir this year. There's a lot of really mean people in choir, the type of people that I just can't stand to be around. There's a lot of inappropriate behavior in choir as well. Too many people do way gross things and act like it's okay. Basically it's a class full of people that I don't want to be around. Then I thought that maybe God wants me to be a light there. But after praying about it and talking to my counselor I thought God wanted me to drop it and get involved in other stuff. Long story short, I changed my mind 80 million times in the past week. Yesterday I had made up my mind that I was quitting, and I told my teacher that I was quitting. there was choreo yesterday, and I didn't go, but I had to wait around for 2 hours because I had play practice at 2. By the time choreography ended, I realized I was sad that I had missed it. then I started thinking that I would miss choir a lot. so I went home, and cried to my mom for a while, and was just freaking out about whether or not I wanted to do choir. I was so scared of making the wrong choice and regretting it later in the year. I feel like either way there was a potential for some regret. I went to school today and decided that I would be doing choir, and I'm praying that God will bring me peace with the decision I made.

I was so scared during this whole process that I wouldn't be doing what God wanted. I have this horrible thought a lot that if I make a mistake, I'll be so far away from what God's will was for me that it'll take a while for me to receive God's blessings again. But my friend Josh told me something that I really like. He said, "You can't undermine God." I love that. God has a plan for me, and I do believe that He can use me in choir and outside of choir. The important thing is allowing God to take control. so that's what I'm doing. I'm walking by faith, and I'm trusting that God will do something great through me this year. I'm praying that He'll use me in ways I can't even begin to imagine.

Choices

2010-08-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Our life is made up of choices. From the time we wake up, to the time we go to sleep, we make countless choices. We choose what time we will wake up at, what we will wear, what we will eat for breakfast, who we will talk to during the day, what our attitude will be like, what we'll eat for lunch, where we'll eat lunch, how we'll get home, what we'll do at home, whether or not we'll do our homework, what TV shows we'll watch, how much time we'll spend on facebook, to what we'll have for dinner, to what we'll wear as pajamas, to what time we'll go to bed at. Our day is all about choices. Some are made without a second thought. Others take more time and consideration. But either way, we make a choice. Some choices aren't questioned by others, and some are put under a microscope by all those around us to see close up if we're doing the right thing or not. I don't know who dictates if we made a right choice. I'd like to say God, but it seems to be that we put so much faith in those around us: our family, our friends, our teachers. The choices I make are simply that: Choices I make. it's up to me when it comes right down to it. If I continuously do what others are wanting me to, I will never be happy. Of course that doesn't mean that I disregard everything others say. The people that are trying to help me only love me and want what's best for me, but to live our lives based on what someone else says is to lose out on all experiences, all the things that make life the adventure it is. We often wait for our life to start, saying it'll happen when high school ends or when we get out of college or when we get married and the list goes on. Perhaps our mistake is in not living our life right now. Our life isn't waiting to start. It is happening right now. It is the choices we make every day, from what we eat to what we wear to what classes we take. It's everything from the small choices to the big ones. This is our life. We don't get a re-do.

-Savannah

"When you’re young, you always feel that life hasn’t yet begun — that “life” is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year, after the holidays — whenever. But then suddenly you’re old and the
scheduled life didn’t arrive. You find yourself asking, ‘Well then, exactly what was it I was having — that interlude — the scrambly madness — all that time I had before?’ -Douglas Coupland

people pleaser

2010-08-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

I'm a people pleaser. I hate when people are mad at me, or when they don't like me, or when they're disappointed in me because I like to please people. I like when people like me.

I want to quit choir. I honestly hate that class. It's not something that I enjoy doing. So after spending all summer, choir camp, and the first few days of school thinking about choir, I decided I wanted to quit. I went in and talked to my counselor, and I figured out I could finish out my semester of p.e. over independent study, and I could take art next year. I prayed so much all day today as I was in class and thinking about talking to my counselor. and after school, I went and told my counselor I wanted to quit choir. we talked about other classes I could take, and the first few classes I suggested were all full during 5th period, which is when I would have an open spot. There was only one other class that I would be interested in taking, Bible as Literature, and when I asked my counselor about it, I prayed that God would give me a nice clear sign as to whether or not this was the right thing to do. The counselor told me that there was a Bible as Lit class 5th period, and that a girl had just dropped out so there would be an open space for me. I pretty much took that as my sign, and I left the office knowing exactly what I wanted to do. When I got home and told my mom though, she was less than thrilled about the idea. She acts as if I'm just doing this because I'm lazy or something. I'm in 5 freakin honors classes. I have always had a 4.0 or higher gpa. I've never done drugs, or smoked, or even tasted alcohol. I don't cuss. I do my very best not to be disrespectful to my mom. and yet I feel like she's disappointed in me. I'm trying so hard to do my best in high school, to do my best in my walk with God, and I feel like I will just never be good enough. I feel like someone will always expect more from me. I'm so tired of trying to live up to other people's standards, and other people's expectations. but she's my mom. it's not just some friend that I can blow off and say I don't care what you think to. it's my mom. of course I care what she thinks. I'm sooooooooo angry because the one person that I really care if she supports me or not, is the one person who never seems to support me. maybe I'm being over dramatic, but I always feel as if I get compared to my brothers, and this time seems to be no exception. I'm being told to do choir because my mom likes choir, and both my brothers did it and blah blah blah. I'm not like my brothers. I love them, and we're similar in a lot of ways, but I don't enjoy choir like they did. I hate feeling like I'm committing some kind of felony by quitting a class that I don't even like. I'm so mad and upset and I haven't stopped crying for the past 30 minutes and I just want to crawl under my covers and sleep until junior year is over because I have absolutely no idea what to do.

Michael

2010-08-15T18:12:00.000-07:00

You know that phrase, "God always answers our prayers, just not in the way we expect Him to." Well I found out today just how true it was. Michael was at church today, and since I haven't actually seen him since october or so, it was weird. The conversation we had was awkward, and I wish that we had gotten the chance to talk more. He had arranged with Chris to give his testimony, and as he was talking to the youth group, I felt as if he was telling the story that I never wanted to be a part of, but always was. He talked of his senior year, of last summer, and of his time in boot camp. When everything happened last summer with Michael and Kaylee, my constant prayer was that Michael would reconnect with God, and let God be the foundation of all he did. It seemed he only got further and further from that the longer I talked to him, but I never stopped praying for him. Even when I started to think he had given up on God, I kept praying. I wasn't giving up on him and I knew God wasn't either. So eventually Michael stopped talking to me, he got another girlfriend, and life moved on. I never stopped praying for him. Maybe it was because I still liked him, maybe it was because I missed having him as a friend, but for whatever reason I continued to pray for him. When he gave his testimony this morning, I started crying because he finally reconnected with God. My prayer was finally answerd, but it felt so bittersweet. I guess I always assumed that when my prayer was answered, Michael and I would be together. It's not as if I'm still hung up on him, and after how things ended with us, I would never want to go down that path again, but it was hard for me to listen to him talk. It was hard because I felt like I was the person who cared even when he didn't care about me at all. I prayed for him when he probably didn't believe that my prayers even worked. I guess it just goes to show that God always has something different in store. I'm grateful that God answered my prayers, but I guess there's no happy feeling that I always expected when I prayed. I probably won't talk to Michael again for a really long time. I really don't know if I'll ever talk to him again. But he has played such a huge part in my walk with God, and I cannot say how grateful I am that I met him. A line from Wicked pops into my head as I'm writing this:

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow If we let them and we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you"

-Savannah

2010-08-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

My dad is so absolutely ridiculous. He's crazy. I love him so much, but sometimes I swear I could punch him. I get so frustrated, and I could never tell him just how mad he makes me because I know it would kill him. and I get so tired of trying to be the perfect daughter when I feel like he never tries to be the perfect dad. and obviously I'm not expecting perfection. that would be dumb. but some effort every once in a while would be nice. maybe something that shows that he cares about someone other than himself. and my dad loves me a lot; I know he does. he wants to be close to me, and he is so supportive and loving in every thing I do. but he's never around. and then he calls me and talks to me about how disappointed he is in my sister, and how glad he is to be divorcing Renee, and at those times I can't see any of the love and support he gives me. it's as if it all disappears and this horrible judgmental person steps in and makes me want to rip all my hair out. so basically, I've been ignoring my dad's calls all week. and I know it's horrible and immature and whatever else you may have to say about it. but I'm so so angry, and I feel like if I talk to him, I'll just snap and say a whole bunch of things that I'll regret. so instead I decided to rant in my blog, and write in a way that makes no sense at all.

Dear God...

2010-08-04T00:05:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I'm really heartbroken right now. I don't have an eloquent way to explain the way I feel, but I know You know my heart. I know You see my pain and feel it too. God I'm scared. I want to say that I have absolutely no doubt that things will be alright, but all I really know for sure is that You will be holding me regardless of what happens. God I feel so destructive right now, like I've lost the ability to be a regular human being. I snap at my closest friends, and push away those who try to help. I know it's wrong God, but I'm scared. I'm scared of trusting people and getting let down, and I'm scared of experiencing even more pain right now than I have been the past few months. God, when Thursday comes around I pray that You will keep my family safe, that everything will go alright, and that you will completely heal my family. I'm scared. I can't stop crying. I half heartedly performed in tonight's show, and my mind is running a million thoughts a minute. Please give my mom and I peace right now God.

Love,
Savannah

2010-07-25T00:18:00.000-07:00

I'm completely exhausted right now. This past week was tech week, and opening night was last night, and I'm just so tired. I'm tired and I'm angry and everything is making me upset. I feel like I just want a reason to yell at someone. I want someone to do something horribly rude to me so that I can yell at them and release all this anger I have no release for. It's not as if I'm mad at a particular person. I'm just angry. I'm so angry at this whole situation. I'm so angry and I want to be mad at someone because I want to be able to yell at someone and make them feel like I've been feeling this past week. I know that's totally horrible of me. I know that's stupid. but I'm so tired of being mad at something that I can't change.

2010-07-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

I got out of play practice last night at 11:11. I looked at the clock, and decided to make a wish just for the fun of it. I know wishes made at 11:11 don't come true, but my wishes always end up turning into more of a prayer than anything else. So I stared at the clock as it flashed this time, and I couldn't think of something to wish for. Nothing popped into my head because I knew all the things I actually wanted to wish for could never come true. Things like wishing cancer didn't run in my family, or wishing my dad and step mom were staying together, or wishing that school didn't start so soon. As I sat there thinking about these things, the minuted passed and took with it any hope I had of things getting better.

2010-07-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

I was babysitting today and both the kids were taking naps, so I turned on the TV and decided to watch some chick flick that was on oxygen. In this particular movie, the mom has cancer, and the chemo and radiation takes a heavy toll on her body. At one point in the movie, she ends up in the hospital, and her youngest daughter runs in to the hospital room, jumps on her mom's bed, and starts crying. At this point I too started crying. I sat there and I thought that if I think things are hard now, they are just going to get so much worse. There is so much that I cannot even begin to imagine. and it's just me and my mom at home. It'll just be me trying to be there for my mom. I'm pretty sure I sat there and cried until Ellie woke up and I had to go back to babysitting. But I had a heavy heart the whole time I was there. I'm so unprepared for what's going to happen. I'm so scared. I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of all of it, and yet I cannot stop thinking about it. My mind is stuck on this. I keep imagining how things could go, and playing out different situations in my head. I feel like the next few months are going to be almost unbearable. I guess I should just go pray about it.

Finnegan

2010-07-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

It's my month off from teaching Sunday school, but I really cannot handle being away from those kids for that long, so I went in and helped Ian teach second service. The reason I hate my months off so much is because I feel like I miss seeing the kids grow. I know it's only four weeks off, but God is always working in these kids' hearts. There's this one boy named Finnegan that I know from my sister's daycare that has been coming to church lately. His mom is the free-spirited type, and she believes that Finnegan should experience all religions so that he can decide which one he likes best, or which ones he likes best if he decides he'd like to mix and match. When his grandma on his dad's side heard this, she decided to start taking him to church, and she happens to go to my church. So Finnegan has been coming to church every week for a few months now. When he first started coming, he was well behaved, but you could tell he wasn't too interested in what he was hearing. He would just sit there during worship, he would never answer questions, and he would talk during the story. I've kept him in my prayers because I know that he's not growing up in a home that is reinforcing what we're teaching on sundays. Today though when I went in to help teach, I saw such a change in Finnegan. Not only was he answering questions during Sunday school, he was asking them too. He listened to the story even when the other boys were goofing off. And not only did he dance at worship, he danced on stage with April and helped her lead worship. I was so excited to see Finnegan today because I'm getting to see him grow in his faith. I love working with little kids for a number of reasons, but the main one is that I always get to see God in these kids. It's amazing the leaps and bounds that they make in their faith. They may be young, but their faith is inspiring.

2010-07-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

I love days like today where there's no reason to be upset. I went out to lunch with Jake and Kayla, went to my first dance class in 2 years, and then came to my cousin's house. As dumb as it may sound, having a few hours where things were kinda focused on me was so amazing. Not once during my whole dance class did I have to hear about doctors, or surgeries, or treatments. I got to dance, and focus only on keeping my back straight and my head up for a whole hour. I got a whole hour with no thoughts of how miserable things have been at home lately. Now I get to go to a cemetery with my cousin--it sounds depressing, but it's actually a lot of fun--and then I get to go to play practice. Things may be hard at home, but I have to keep reminding myself that God is always good.

2010-07-14T23:42:00.000-07:00

Play practice sucks right now. Seriously sucks. Like I want to quit. I have never ever wanted to quit a show before. But I do right now. I'm tired of it. and I like a guy who likes the most annoying girl in the show. and there's another dr appt tomorrow soo I'm going to my cousin's house. It just sucks. Life just sucks right now. and I don't feel bad saying that. I don't feel as if people have any place to tell me to cheer up. It's okay for me to say that things suck right now. It's not a sin. I still believe in God and the hope He can bring me, but I am still going to cry right now. I am still going to be completely broken down and completely depressed because for just a little while, I think I deserve that

Stars

2010-07-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

After posting my last blog, I decided to go outside and look at the stars. The stars are absolutely beautiful where I live. I'm convinced there's nothing like it. When I first went outside, my eyes were still adjusting to the dark and I couldn't see very many stars. But the longer I laid out looking at the stars, the more stars appeared. It was then that I realized what God was showing me. When we experience suffering, we won't immediately see the hope and beauty through it. We'll only see tiny glimpses of a better tomorrow. But if we stick with God through the suffering, we'll see more and more beautiful things being done. We'll experience more hope and experience more God. Only when the sky is black can we see the stars, and only during our darkest moments can we so clearly see the hope God offers us.

-Savannah

When is it my turn?

2010-07-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I don't want to get any advice. I don't want people to comfort me. I want to sit here and say how much this sucks. I only want to talk to someone who has been in my situation, and the only person I know like that is a 7 year old girl, and I'm not sure how much she could relate. I want someone to tell me how they got through this when it happened to them. I want to know that there is some kind of light at the end of this.

I know this is hard for my mom, obviously. But I also know that I don't have energy anymore. I sit here and I listen to all of this heavy stuff being talked about, and I nod and say the right things at the right time, but inside I'm dying. Inside I'm thinking, what about me? Inside I'm thinking that while she has all these people to talk to, and all these people coming over, and all these people praying for her, I don't. I have a couple friends that know, and other than that, I'm not supposed to tell people. SO what about me? When do I get to cry? When do I get to be hurting? When do I have to stop acting like I'm so freakin strong, and actually tell the truth for once? I try not to be a selfish person, but can this please, for once, be a moment when I can cry? I can't even begin to express how angry I am right now. How I feel like yelling at every person that I come in contact with. How I feel like telling each and every person that tries to act like everything's okay that I am soooo hurting. But I can't. It's not about me. It's about my mom. So here I go, back to normal life, where I smile and pray and say the right things and do the right things in order to please the right people. Here I go...

Nothing Profound

2010-07-12T23:12:00.000-07:00

I want to write a blog really badly right now. I want to sit here and have all these profound thoughts flow from my brain onto the computer screen. I want to have people tell me what an amazing writer I am, and all about how this blog changed their life. HA.

Too bad I don't have profound words to say. Too bad all the stories I have to tell are boring. Too bad only 2 people read my blog. That's okay. I don't want too many people reading it. It could be embarrassing.

I do, however, want people to know how amazing my God is. How even in the darkest moments, He can give me peace. Even when it seems impossible, He gives me hope. I want people to know that my God has done amazing miracles. I want people to know that He changed my life, and continues to change it. I want people to know that I am so in love with my Savior, and that I am doing my best to live each and every day for Him. I just want you to know, if you're reading this, that despite my lack of profound ways to say this, there is nothing I want you to know more than the fact that I live each and every day for my amazing God.

-Savannah

"My God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY, there's NOTHING my God cannot do!!!" -Veggie Tales

Jumbled Thoughts

2010-07-10T22:42:00.000-07:00

I wish there was an eloquent way for me to type out all my thoughts, but lets be honest, when your brain is as jumbled as mine is, it's impossible to write eloquently. Instead I plan on writing a list of things that are leaving my brain in this horrible mess. feel free to tell me what you think afterward.

I like this guy. he's cute and nice and a Christian and he quotes Harry Potter just like I do. perfect match or what? So I met this guy, and I had one of those fun crushes where you just get excited to see the person and you're not too stressed about whether or not it will turn into something. but I started praying about it anyway. I think dating in high school works for very few people. So many high schoolers take it SO seriously, when I think it should be more of a fun way to figure out the type of person you want to marry. (okay, let me be honest. I change my views on dating a lot. I'm still confused on where God is taking me in this whole journey, but I'm studying his word and praying A LOT about it. this is my latest conclusion.) So anyway, I figured I would start praying about this in the hopes that maybe some fun summer fling would come out of it. But now I find myself stressing out about whether or not this guy likes me. He's so nice and he talks to me a lot and laughs at my stories a lot, but because he's so nice, I'm not sure if he's just doing that because he does that for everyone. So I feel stupid. I feel vulnerable. I hate that. I mean, this guy lives 35 minutes away from me. and I barely know him. But I like him, and I feel so conflicted by that.
The reason I feel so conflicted about liking this guy at all is because I feel so selfish. With everything going on with my family, I feel like thinking about some guy that I have a stupid teenage crush on is sooo selfish of me. I just feel like liking this guy is taking away from me being there for my family, but Amy reminded me of something really important today. She said, "Don't feel guilty. Your life doesn't have to stop because of what your family is going through. You still need to live it for God. And if that includes this boy, then go for it." I don't know if living for God does include this boy right now, but I'm going to pray about it. I'm going to stop lying to myself and telling myself I don't deserve to be happy if someone close to be is hurting. I can still be there for them while living my life the way God wants it to be. So I'm really praying this guy likes me. Call it dumb and immature, but I like him. I don't want to get hurt. But I like this boy and I like the idea of having fun during the summer.

Okay, I'll admit, all that's on my mind right now is this boy situation. well that and my family situation. But it's really quite a mess inside my head. All my thoughts are fighting each other, and I'm doing my best to hear God's voice in a hard situation. Pray for me please. I appreciate all the prayers I can get.

-Savannah

Lies

2010-07-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

I had a really weird day today. It was set move in time for JU, and I was working all day to move the sets from the warehouse to the bowl. I honestly love set move in day, because in spite of the heat, it's so much fun to just be with a bunch of theater kids. So I was having a great day, and then I went over to my cousin's house, and I started feeling very out of it. I got really upset about a guy that I kind of liked, and I was holding back tears on the way home. I knew that I just needed to go home and spend some time with God and His word. So that's what I did. The chapter that my small group is in in our dating book is the one about lying. I lie to myself all the time. I keep telling myself I'm okay, and I'm not. the thing is, I wasn't crying today because this guy doesn't like me. Maybe the only reason I even liked this guy was because I've been feeling so alone lately. It's not as if there aren't a million and one people there for me, but the fact is, I've been lying to myself and saying that I don't need them. I've been lying to myself and saying that I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'm not even close to okay. I feel like my whole family, my whole house is so under attack right now. I'm done lying to myself. I'm done lying to everyone else. I'm hurting, and I need help.

-Savannah

Happy Birthday

2010-07-08T22:39:00.000-07:00

I am so helpless. I try to do things on my own, and God just cuts in to remind me how weak I am. It's like a little kid that tries to push open the door, moves it an inch, and has to have their parent cut in to open it for them. I'm that little kid. I'm standing here, attempting to open this door, when I don't have any strength at all to do it. I want to fix everything, but I don't have the ability to. I need to learn to rely on God wholly and completely. I don't need to rely on Him only when I HAVE to, it's needs to be all the time, for the small things and the big things. Let's hope I can figure this out.

-Savannah

"SO now, you'll find me on my knees, surrendering cause I know that I'm really not that strong..."-Learning to Fall

Oh, How He Loves Us.

2010-07-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

My heart is so very broken right now. I was just sitting here thinking how unfair life is, thinking how this shouldn't be happening to my family. And then San Francisco popped into my head, and all the girls in the massage parlors. It's not fair what's happening to them. They're enslaved in a country that claims to be free. All massage parlors are put in the same lump as restaurants when it comes time for inspection. But because of the amount of tourism san fran receives, the restaurants are top priority to the health department because tourism brings in more money for the city. I hate this world we live in. I hate, hate, HATE that I live in a world with stupid selfish people and girls being raped every day and people living on the streets while rich people walk by without noticing them. I hate that I live in a world where diseases and illnesses come and destroy and kill and seek to make us forget that I live in a world with a God who sees the same injustice I do and has the power to change it. I HATE when I forget that I have a close and personal relationship with the God of the universe. I hate when I forget that God is in control. I hate when I forget that my heart is broken for these things because God's heart is broken for these things.

I hate being broken. My heart hurts like it never has before. I cry all the time. I pray all the time. I feel helpless all the time. and I fail miserably at love all the time. I'm broken.

-Savannah

Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us...oh, how He loves us..

Airplanes

2010-07-05T23:46:00.000-07:00

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now..."

I don't believe that wishing on shooting stars works, but I do it anyways. I don't believe that wishing at 11:11 works, but I do it anyways. I believe in God. I believe that God answers prayers, and yet I waste time wishing on things that can never bring me what I need. I really do need a wish right now. But more than that I need a comforter. I need someone who will simply hold me as I cry. I need God. Pretending that airplanes are like shooting stars is not going to help me right now. This is one of those situations where I am absolutely helpless. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. Only God knows what the outcome will be. I'm tired of wishing on airplanes and shooting stars and a stupid time that doesn't mean anything. Who came up with this dumb idea that wishing on those things worked? It must have been someone who didn't believe in God. Why wish on something that isn't going to come true when you could pray to someone who will give you exactly what you need exactly when you need it?

Strength

2010-07-05T01:12:00.000-07:00

I feel like I need to be strong. Strong for my mom, strong for my brothers, strong for myself. But really, I can't be. Really, as I'm sitting here crying, I am not strong. I am as weak as it gets. and I realized something: I don't need to be strong for God. God is the one who is strong for me. God is MY strength; I'm not His strength.

Jeremiah

2010-07-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard about Jeremiah in the Bible? There's a very popular verse that comes from his book of the bible:

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

It's such an encouraging verse, and so many people like to quote it when they're upset. But how many people know the story of Jeremiah? How many people know of his nights spent in captivity, or his years spent being booed out of town, or the many death threats he received from the king? I'm not gonna lie, Jeremiah had a sucky life.

God really called Jeremiah to do a lot. He told Jeremiah not to marry or have kids, because they would be destroyed in the upcoming events. How scary? God gave Jeremiah visions of Jerusalem being destroyed if the people did not repent from their evil ways. God told Jeremiah to tell the people to repent, he did, and people got angry. We don't like to hear we're wrong normally. These people were no exception. They got angry, and told Jeremiah to shut up. He didn't though. He went to the king and told the king that the city would be destroyed. The king didn't like this very much. He threatened to have Jeremiah killed.

Long story short, after over 40 years of preaching and getting yelled at by people that didn't want to hear it, God decided he could not give the people any more chances, and he had the city destroyed. Unfortunately, Jeremiah died in captivity. Babylon took over Jerusalem, captured Jeremiah, and he died. So after 40 years of doing EXACTLY what God was telling him to do, and years spent in and out of prison, and years spent getting death threats, Jeremiah died in jail. Talk about a sucky life. And yet it's one of my favorite stories in the Bible.

Jeremiah is a perfect example of what faith is. He trusted God even though it seemed like his preaching was in vain. The people weren't listening, they were continuing to live in sin, and they wanted Jeremiah gone. But Jeremiah kept believing in God. God doesn't call us to know what's going to happen in our lives, he calls us to trust Him no matter WHAT happens in life. Being faithful is not as easy as we like to believe. It's hard when we don't know what's going on in our lives. Times come where we feel like we're walking all alone in a dark room, and at any moment we could stub our toe on something. And maybe we will. Maybe we'll get hurt sometimes. Maybe things won't always go the way we want them to. But that's what being faithful is all about. When we do what God calls us to, we can trust that He will follow through. Whether he follows through in a day or in 80 years, He will always follow through. He will never let us down, and in the end he will be saying, "Well done good and faithful servant.."

-Savannah

Tears

2010-07-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

I wish I could lay in bed all day. When the days are filled with doctor's appointments and tough conversations, sleep is better. Almost anything is better. There's nothing easy about this situation, and I knew awhile back that things were going to be hard, but this is more than I could have ever imagined. Even praying is harder. I don't pray anymore without crying. I hope God doesn't mind. My youth pastor always says that God holds all of our tears. I think he must have a pretty huge jar for all of mine, especially lately. I was reading my Bible, and I did a search for the word 'tears'. I looked at all the broken people of the Bible, the people who wept for their own brokenness, and the brokenness around them.

Psalm 6:6 I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.

Man did David know about pain. God made him king, he saw a pretty girl, and things got way out of hand. He had an affair with this pretty girl, had her husband killed in battle, and married her. Not exactly what we consider a good Christian. And he dealt with pain from it. He knew what weeping was all about. The actual hebrew translation of this verse says that he dissolves his couch with tears. This isn't just a simple tear running down his cheek. This is a sobbing, gut wrenching, vomit inducing cry.
Another version of this verse says that he makes his bed to swim. He is filling his bed with tears, to the point that he can compare it to something he can swim in. He's not holding back. He's not trying to pretend he's okay. He is filling his bed with tears.

Psalm 42:3 My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

It's so easy for people to say God doesn't exist, especially during hard times. I believe the best answer to this question can be found in other Bible verses. Non-Christians say that I can't just defend my beliefs with the Bible because they don't believe the Bible. I disagree with this. So I am going to defend all my beliefs with what I know to be true.

Revelations 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." I read about 25 translations of this verse, and none of them said anything different. They were all worded the same way. I think this is a truth that anyone can understand. I think sometimes we sit and pray that God will take away our pain, take away our hardships, or our suffering. It's hard when we're living in a place that isn't our home. It's hard when we're living this life, waiting to be called home to Heaven. To die is gain, in the words of Paul.

I want to end this blog with another verse from Revelation:

Revelation 7:17 For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away every tears from their eyes.

-Savannah

Funny how I started this blog off being extremely upset, and after studying God's word, I feel hopeful now. Maybe I should write my Bible study down in a blog more often.

2010-06-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

I'm a very bitter person. I miss Amy more than words can say. I feel so broken.

2010-06-30T03:25:00.000-07:00

So it's 3:26 in the morning as I'm writing this, and I have no intention of sleeping anytime soon. I'll probably pop in a good movie soon, and sit on my bed eating popcorn and crying. It's just one of those nights. Why would I be crying? Well I think it's because it's one of those nights where I feel dysfunctional.

I think I hide my feelings very well when I want to. I normally let people know when I'm upset though, because I learned about a year ago that hiding my pain wasn't working out very well. So now I try to wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry when I'm upset. I call someone when I'm depressed. I try really hard not to hide my feelings. Now though, I don't want anyone to know what I'm going through. I think I've told 2 of my closest friends, one of them being my cousin, who would have found out what was going on anyway because we're family.

I don't want people to know because I don't want people to try to understand or to try to help. I don't want to hear inspirational verses about how God is going to pull me through this. I don't want to hear the cliche response to problems such as mine. I know God will pull me through this. I'm not stupid. God's always been there for me; why would I doubt Him? I just feel like no one can understand how this feels. They can try. They can attempt to put themselves in my shoes, and wonder what it would be like if it happened to them, but they'll never really know. They'll never really understand how scared I am, or how numb I feel at times. and I don't want them to understand. I want to be alone. I want to crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone. I want to pretend I'm independent for a day or two. But as dysfunctional as I am, I don't see any of this working out

some kind of story

2010-06-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

I've read so many books of people writing a journal through a significant period in their life. They say that they write it so that when it's all over, they'll be able to read it as a reminder of how God pulled them through that time. I always wondered what it felt like to begin writing when things were tough, what it felt like to enter into a situation not knowing what the end would look like, but knowing that this whole thing would change your life.

Now I kind of know that feeling. I'm starting this blog not knowing how to finish it. There's no happy ending occurring right now. I feel heart broken. I feel betrayed. I feel as if everything's unfair. But I'm going to write. I'm going to write, and I'm going to pray that God will show me amazing things through this journey. I pray that I'll grow, and I pray that things will be alright at the end of all of this.

oohhhhhhh san francisco

2010-06-24T23:54:00.001-07:00

I've been in a post San Fran depression this whole week. I don't remember my heart aching so badly last year. I don't remember constant dreams about the city. I remember missing it, but not this badly. All I want to talk about is the things that happened to me there. I only want to talk to people I went on that trip with. I feel like I left my whole heart in san fran, and I have no emotions to give to anyone.

God's left me feeling so confused lately. I don't want the whole speech about being able to serve God anywhere, because that's not my problem. I realize I can serve God here. I don't want any speech, actually. I think my heart is this broken for a reason. I've been praying about it a whole lot lately, and I think God might be calling me to move there one day. I don't know for sure about this, but I feel like God keeps confirming my thoughts. Maybe I'm crazy. But I really hope I'm not wrong. because I have never felt my heart break so strongly in such a short amount of time.

Final San Fran blog

2010-06-22T23:04:00.001-07:00

So I'm officially all caught up on my San Francisco posts now, and I've been sitting here trying to think of a good way to sum up how amazing this trip was. I just don't know if words could do it justice. I went up there thinking that I had already seen all there was to be seen. I had gone last year so I figured that I would have a great time serving God, but that nothing would be too unexpected. I was so wrong.

My heart is so permanently stuck with that city. I feel as if every single emotion I have is invested in the people I met up there. I cried so much this past week that I think my body is completely dehydrated. God broke my heart into a million pieces up there, and even though I cry all the time now, it's the best feeling I've ever had. To be so close to God that your heart breaks for what breaks his heart..well it's the best feeling ever.

One of the worship songs we sing often talks about how our God is mighty to save. I always used that song to apply to my life: my parents' divorce, my health issues, my problems with my friends. It was always about me. But this song has a whole new meaning to me now. I think of the homeless people on the street and the girls in the massage parlors now when I hear that song. I think of the addicts and of the broken. I believe my God is mighty to save. I believe my God is mighty to save, even when my small mind can't begin to comprehend how he would save these people.

Last year I met a guy in San Fran, and I think that took away from how amazing the week could have been. This year I was so focused on God, and I am so grateful Michael wasn't there.

Aside from the amazing experience I had with the homeless people in San Francisco, I also met some of the best workers. Amy, one of the SOS leaders, was one of the nicest people I've ever met. She always put a smile on my face, and I miss her sooo much more than I can even say. Mikel, the worship leader, pushed me out of my comfort zone and really encouraged me while we were up there. Andrew, Elizabeth, and Gillian were so nice and so friendly that it made me wish I went to the same church as them. I'm so in love with the people I met, and I never imagined I would miss them so much. If you're reading this, please know that even if I never see you again, you definitely made an impact on my life.

Right now I feel as if I only want to talk to people I went to San Francisco with. Everything I talk about is the stuff I went through this past week, and all my prayers drift toward San Francisco. I feel like God is calling me to do a DTS with YWAM. I still have 2 years to figure it out, but I hope that is where God is calling me. I pray that my heart will stay broken for the people I met. I pray that I won't forget what God's love can do in a broken city. And I pray that God will show me the broken people around me. I know that I'm simply a teenager, and society today seems to push us towards a life of complacency, but my prayer is that through God, I will realize all things are possible. My prayer is that I will break out of the mold that society has forced us into, and be the light God needs me to be in the world. Whether I'm in San Francisco, or Wrightwood, there will be always people who need God. There will always be brokenness. My prayer is that God will show be this brokenness, and use me to provide a path toward God's healing.

-Savannah

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
-Margaret Mead

San Fran-Day #5

2010-06-21T22:57:00.000-07:00

Today was our last day really doing anything in san fran. We got up, had team time, and then about an hour of free time during which I chose to catch up on sleep. At 10 we were supposed to go to our different areas to being set up for the love feast. I was on canvassing duties, which basically just meant going out and telling people about our feast.

Right as we were walking out, Mikel called for me and asked if I would share my testimony during the love feast. I believe my exact words to him were, "..I don't have a testimony.." He told me he didn't believe me, and I felt that no matter what I said, he would make me get on stage and give my testimony. So I murmured an, "I guess so" and we left to go tell people about the love feast. The whole time my mind was on my testimony, and I was freaking out about it and I kept thinking that I was going to do horrible. When I got back to the base, I talked to Amy and told her how scared I was. We prayed about it and kind of talked about what I could share, and then we went upstairs as people started coming in.

Mikel came over to me, asked me if I was nervous, and I obviously said yes. He prayed with me, and reminded me that what was coming out of my mouth was for God and not for me. It was all in God's hands what I said, and I had nothing to worry about. I was still freaking out inside, but I went to the tables I had been assigned and began serving people. I couldn't tell you who I met or what their names were because I was horribly anxious, but I remember meeting a guy who kept asking for steak.

Next thing I knew, my name was getting called to give my testimony, and I nervously walked on stage and stepped up to the mic. I don't remember what I talked about. All I remember is praying that God would give me the words to say. I remember staring at Kayla the whole time, and I remember getting off stage, but everything else is a blur. I don't know if my testimony had any impact on anyone, but I know sometimes we don't get to see what impact we have on people. I served for a week up in San Francisco, and I feel as if I was so insignificant in these peoples lives, but maybe I was just what someone needed that day. Maybe I'll never know if I actually touched anyone's hearts or made even the tiniest dent in someone's life, but I do know I did what God had called me to do. I do know that something as small as Mikel picking me to give my testimony (I'm still not sure why he picked me!), had an impact on me. It made me feel as if maybe my story is important. As if maybe there is finally a purpose for the pain I've been through. Mikel pushed me right out of my comfort zone when he asked me to give my testimony, but I think I'm glad he did it...I think..

After the love feast cleaning was done, we had 4 hours of free time. Me, Amester, Cassmaster, Roland, Rebecca, and Aaron all walked up humongous hills to go to some cathedral. It had so many rooms in it, and it was really fun walking around having Cassidy be our tour guide. After that we walked to a park nearby, and talked and laughed and enjoyed a couple hours away from the craziness that always occurred at the base.

We got back just in time to go to our dinner out, which was right down the street at a Thai restaurant. The food was AMAZING, and even though I have no idea what they ordered for us, I would go to a Thai place in a heartbeat.

That night we had our final hot chocolate evangelism. We went to market street this time, which is definitely different than in the tenderloin. There are so many more drunk people out there, and it's not exactly an area where homeless people go, unless they're traveling through there to get somewhere. Our first stop was a group of younger people who were reluctant to drink our hot chocolate since they thought we poisoned it or something. After that, we went to a corner of the street where two men were playing and singing worship songs. We told them we had a kind of musical group, he asked if anyone knew how to play guitar, and then Derrick started playing all kinds of worship songs. We were singing along, and then a couple more groups from our church joined us. It was such a cool time of simply getting to stand there and worship God. None of us thought twice about what other people were thinking. We're all just so in love with the Lord, that breaking out into song in public for Him didn't seem at all out of the ordinary. It was such an amazing last night, and during debrief that night, I started crying because I knew I was going to miss San Fran 10 times more than I missed it last year.

Because it was our last night, Hannah, Cass, and I decided to put our sleeping bags on the floor with our heads facing each other so we could talk and enjoy our last night. Our bodies were drained of tears, and we were all giggles as we tried to be quiet while everyone else was sleeping. Tomorrow I'll post a more conclusive blog to my san fran posts, because I'm assuming you're all tired of reading this by now.

-Savannah

San Fran-Day #4-Homeless Plunge

2010-06-20T21:16:00.000-07:00

How do I begin to explain this day? We slept in the bathroom, and it was absolutely miserable. It was freezing and I probably only got about 1 hour of sleep all together. I was up so much, and there was no getting comfortable. After a very long night, we were kicked out in the morning and only given enough money for the bus. My group decided to go to Glide for breakfast, so we went and got in a line for a breakfast that didn't start for 2 and a half hours. We ate a breakfast, well, tried to because it wasn't the most delicious thing ever, and then we left to walk up to Haight. It was a ridiculously long walk, about 5 or 6 miles, and once we got there we only wanted to sleep. We laid down on the grass and kind of fell asleep, but Chris wanted us to minister instead of falling asleep. After spending a long time at Haight, we began walking back. We stopped at the Civic Center, and Les and I went over to talk to people. I met a man named Lowe, and he just wanted to talk. He talked about so much, and was talking at such an intense speed that I don't think I can write everything he talked about.

While I was sitting there, this younger guy named Justin sat next to me and hit on me. It was gross, but it's kind of one of those things that you just have to brush off. I moved on, as we were told to do when we got uncomfortable, and I talked to this guy named Reggie. He was very supportive of what we were doing, and he took such an interest in my life. He was incredibly free-spirited, and he said he felt religion wasn't for him. I told him I had a relationship with Jesus, and that it was the furthest thing from a religion. After that my group went to the Hilton and we went to the top floor and prayed for the city. God had put so much on everyone's hearts, and we had so much to pray about. We went back to the Ellis room at 4, and everyone was so grateful to be home. It had been a day full of experiences, and while it was amazing experiencing the things we did, it was very exhausting.

That night we had expressions, which is basically the most intense thing I've ever experienced. There were different stations set up, and before we even started, I was crying. There were few people in the room who weren't in tears, and it really made me feel that we need to be more real with each other. We need to invest our lives in each other so that we can help each other through the different situations we go through. This night made me realize that each one of us in youth group has different pain, and that we've all been shoving it under the rug. We need to lean on each other. We need to love each other in the way God loves us. We need to be there to help when times get tough. If we can't turn to our church family, then who can we turn to?

-Savannah

San Fran-Day #3

2010-06-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

Breakfast this morning was early because half of my church was going to serve breakfast at Glide. I was just passing trays in the assembly line, and by the end of the two hours, I was incredibly exhausted. We came back to the base, and were sitting on the couches when Kayla came in and asked us who was in high school. There were only four of us: Me, Cass, Han, and Kimmi. Kayla took us next door where we went down to the basement and met Rachel and Christy. They lead the Because Justice Matters ministry, and they told us a little bit about sex trafficking. I wrote a report on sex trafficking this year, and I kind of considered myself an expert as far as this whole area went, but nothing could have prepared me for what was coming.

We walked around to a few different massage parlors, and we stopped to pray outside of them. It's so real being outside those places, thinking about the girls inside and what they're going through. God kept laying on my heart to pray for the men supplying the need for the girls. Those are the people I never want to pray for. I don't want to think of them as humans in need of God's love because that makes it harder to hate them, and I only want to hate them. After our walk, we went back to the basement. On our way inside, a drunk guy asked us if we wanted to hook up with him. We refused, but as we were walking in, the man told me I was very cute and slapped my butt. I ran into the basement, very shaken up, and told the others what had happened. As we sat down and began to debrief, I realized that if I was so shaken up from a two second booty tap, there was no way I could begin to imagine what the girls in the parlors feel from having hundreds of guys come in and take advantage of them at all hours of the day. My booty tap times 10 billion is what these girls go through on a daily basis. All of a sudden the heaviness of this hit me, and I broke down into the worst sobs. The girls and I cried together, and let our hearts break for the things that break God's heart. We cried for our helplessness, for our weakness. We prayed that we would remember how we felt that day, and then we left.

Once back at the base, we grabbed our lunches and went out for homeless sack lunch. We were up on Haight and Hannah and I ran into a couple young guys who wanted to eat lunch with us. We already had one guy, Armando, who was eating with us. Then Jeff and Chad joined us. They were both 19, a little high, and their philosophy of life was one of most people in Haight: you only live once, so do what makes you feel good. These boys are in my prayers and I keep hoping they'll see that they have such a great purpose in life.

After homeless sack lunch was our night out. We went to fisherman's wharf and walked around and bonded with the group of people we had. It was so much fun just getting to relax with a group of people who are growing in the same amazing ways you are. I believe that serving God is so much fun, and is even more fun when you get to do it with the group of amazing people I got to.

-Savannah

San Fran-day #2

2010-06-20T15:10:00.000-07:00

This morning came way too fast, and I'm currently feeling way too tired to write. But I will because I don't want to forget what I did today.

After breakfast and worship, our church split into two groups. My group went to St. Anthony's. We went to an orientation where we talked about what most people think of when they think of the Tenderloin. Drugs, alcohol, prostitution, dirtiness, and sex trafficking were all on the list. After we discussed the Tenderloin for a while, we were assigned our work duties. I worked kitchen. This guy Matt was in charge, and he told us whether we would be bussing tables or serving. I felt so heartbroken as I saw the little kids that came into the place to eat. At our lunch break, we sat with a man named Charles. He was so determined that we needed to stick to a system in order to accomplish anything. As I was thinking about it, I realized how often we really do stick to the system. Would I be here if YWAM wasn't setting this whole thing up? Would I go out and give hot chocolate to people I didn't know?

After we were done serving, we returned back to the orientation room. The woman asked for our different stories about what happened, and after a bit of debriefing, she asked us what words we would use to sum up the people we met. Nowhere in our list did the words we had used to describe the tenderloin show up. We came up with words like broken, grateful, friendly, appreciative, and most importantly, human. We realized that the people in the tenderloin are nothing more than people. They need to be loved, and they deserve the same as any other human. They deserve to be recognized as humans and not as addictions and problems.

After St. Anthony's we went and did a prayer station. I partnered up with Jake, and we walked up to these two men, Willy and ROnnie. We prayed for them, and then we stayed around to listen to Willy talk. He reminded me a lot of Carleton. He just thought that the best thing God had ever put on this earth was women, and at the end of our conversation, he told me that I was so beautiful. His stories exemplified Jesus' stories, and he talked about how the last will be first. I'm quite positive that he made up a lot of his stories, but he reminded me that whatever we do to the least of these, we have done for God.

Later that night we did hot chocolate evangelism. We ran out of hot chocolate a couple times, and we had to return to ywam to get more cups a couple times as well. It was so cool to see how welcoming people were. So often we think that we have to do some grand thing in order to serve God, but it's really doing small things with great love that make a difference.

-Savannah

San Fran-Day #1

2010-06-19T18:31:00.000-07:00

From the second we got off of the bridge into San Francisco, I knew I had returned home. At the bottom of the exit there was a homeless man with a sign that read, "I'm too ugly to get laid. Give me money so I can get a hooker." We drove through the streets and things started to become so familiar. The street where we did hot chocolate evangelism, the park where we fell asleep, it all felt like we never left. We pulled onto Ellis Street, passed Glide, and drove into the YWAM building. We're in the same room we were in last year, and I can tell God has great things planned for us. One year ago, God changed my life in this city. Now I can't wait for another week where God will take me out of my comfort zone and change me even more.

We just got done with our first activity. We went out on the streets, and although we had questions to ask the people we met, we were really just talking to them about whatever. We passed the park with the lonely tire swing, and it made me ache just a little with the thought of Michael. I miss him, and aside from anything romantic we had, he was my friend. The very next homeless guy we met was named Michael, but that story will come later.

The first guy we met was named Charles. He had a friend with him, but she left to go get drinks. After Charles, we met a guy named Craig. We talked to Craig, we prayed for him, and then he asked us if we had any food. We told him we didn't but we could buy him something. We went to buy him chips, and on the way we met Michael and Keith.

Michael immediately asked if any one of us was good at arithmetic, and I dumbly said I was. He then asked me what bills the bank should give him if he wanted $53, but no coins and no $1s. I was definitely confused until my youth pastor explained that you could use $2 bills. He then asked one about an electric train and which way it's smoke was going, and I immediately got that one right. This whole time, a man was sitting on the ground and we found out his name was Keith. Michael talked of how blessed he was because he used to be addicted to drugs and he no longer was.

It was then that I remembered why I love being here in San Francisco. There is an underlying theme of redemption in everything we do. It's this idea that God is always in the act of forgiving. He never stops forgiving us for the things we do.

The theme of this year is FWD. I think it ties in with the theme of redemption really well as we try constantly to redeem ourselves from past mistakes and move forward in life. Hopefully this week will be a time for me to grow.

Praying for a great week,
Savannah

You're worth it

2010-06-11T23:25:00.000-07:00

"What we do comes out of who we believe we are." -Rob Bell

Those cuts on your wrists..are those there because you don't think you're worth getting help?

Those low cut shirts you wear..is that because you think you only deserve attention from sleazy guys who want to look down your shirt?

That long list of boyfriends you have..is that because you want someone to make you feel loved?

The different things you've done with guys..is that because you don't want to lose this fake love these guys are promising you?

The lack of food you allow your body to consume..is that because you don't realize just how beautiful you are?

To all the girls out there reading this:

If you're struggling with depression and loneliness and guilt..you deserve help.

If you wear low cut shirts and short shorts..know that you deserve a guy that cares to look at your face and not at your boobs.

If you date around hoping to use it as your reinforcement that you're loved..know that God loves you more than any boy ever could.

If you feel pressured to do things you don't want to do with a guy..know that you deserve a guy who has the same boundaries as you. you deserve a guy who loves you for you, and not the things you're willing to do.

If you feel the need to be a size zero..know that God made you the way you are. know that not only does God think you're beautiful, but so do those around you.

Don't forget how uniquely and wonderfully made you are. Don't feel pressured to go along with the crowd just to feel accepted. Don't put yourself down. Don't give up. Don't let a guy use you. Don't compromise your morals. Be you, and let others love you for you. You're worth it. You're beautiful. You're amazing. You're a child of the king of kings, and you're a friend of mine which means that you always have at least two people on your side who love you. Believe you're someone worth loving, because you are.

-Savannah

2010-06-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was so horribly sick that I felt like dying. I had the worst headache that I have ever had in my life. It felt like my head was going to explode. I had chills, and a fever, and an upset stomach, and my throat was so swollen that I couldn't talk. so I sat in bed all day. If I wanted something, I had to call my mom. If I had to go to the bathroom, my mom had to walk me there because I couldn't stand on my own. Oh and I couldn't sleep, because no matter how loaded up on drugs I was, my head just hurt much too much.

So while I was laying in bed all day, I got to thinking. I think God might have made me sick just so I could work through all these things I had been going through lately. I started thinking about my relationships with people. I don't like people very much. I'm very stuck up and I like to believe I'm always right. I'm rarely right actually, but my big head clouds my thoughts and leads me to believe I am the best thing in the world. It's really horrible of me, and I am currently working on it with God's help, but the point is, I don't get along with people very well. I have my close group of friends, and we get along great. outside of that, I don't try to make many new friends.

In san fran this year, a lot of new people are going. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm dreading it actually. But God likes to get me out of my comfort zone. God's going to take me up to san fran, put me in an 8 hour car ride with a bunch of people I don't know, and force me to be His light to a bunch of homeless people that I don't know. God won't let me be stagnant in my faith. As long as I continue to pray for God to strengthen my faith, he's going to force me out of my comfort zone. Despite how amazing san francisco was last year, I'm scared to go. I'm scared about having to surrender my ego and my pride to be with people who have no idea what it's like working with homeless people.

But I have to do it. I have to trust God. Because I honestly believe he had me stuck in bed for a reason. maybe He wanted me to realize that my pride was getting in the way of this amazing plan he had for me. ooooor maybe it was just His way of telling me I need to wear more sunscreen ;)

-Savannah

Sunburns and Independence

2010-05-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

I teach the 3 and 4 year old sunday school class at my church. I love this age group. I've worked with them since I was in 7th grade, and they've made my life so much more fun. I'm not a big fan of working with two year olds, even though I do definitely love them. I just like that at 3 and 4 the kids are slightly more independent, but not independent enough that they don't want to be around you.

Today in Sunday school we did a craft that involved glue. The kids are at that age where they insist on putting the glue on the paper themselves. I normally hold the bottle and move it where it needs to be moved while they squeeze the glue out. It always ends up being messy, and large amounts of glue are spilled out, but the kids like having their independence and I'm okay with giving it to them.

I used to love being independent. I loved being home alone, making my own food, doing my own thing. But now that I'm older, I want nothing more than to be dependent on others. I want to always have a close friend with me. I got really sick yesterday. I spent 7 hours in the sun with not nearly enough sunscreen on. I burned from head to toe. and last night at play practice, I started shaking and crying from what my director called a mild form of hypothermia.

I've been in bed all day. it hurts to move. I can't stand up without falling over, and my head hurts so bad that I think it may burst soon. Because of these horrible symptoms, I've been relying on my mom to get me everything. She's been amazing in helping me, and I've been so dependent on her. I don't like it. I don't like that I can't stand without her supporting me, or that I have to call for her every time I need food or water. I don't like being so dependent. But I think God puts people in our life for a reason. God sometimes forces us to be dependent on Him. Sometimes we try so hard to do things without Him, thinking we can solve all our problems on our own. But there are times we need to depend on God. When someone gets cancer, when a horrible accident happens, or when we get horribly sick, there is nothing to do but trust that God will hear our prayers and help us out. So today, I'm going to be dependent on my mom, because I know that there is nothing else I can do.

-Savannah

Mighty to save

2010-05-28T20:32:00.001-07:00

I have this best friend Natalie, and she's one of those friends that you can tell anything to, and can always have fun with. She lives about 5 to 10 minutes walking distance from my house, so we're always hanging out. While I could sit here and list all the reasons she's my best friend, I just want to talk about how much I love her family. They have this natural ease about them when they talk. They're so welcoming to all guests in their house, they always have a home cooked meal. They know each other so well. They're basically just the easiest people to be around. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But sometimes it's nice to go hang out with them, and for a little while, see what it would have been like to grow up in a family like theirs.

The fact is, we don't get to pick our family. God's pretty much in control of that one. And while I love going to Natalie's and feeling as if I'm part of a "perfect" family, at the end of the day my family will still be my family. I have the best brothers anyone could ever ask for, a mom would gives so much more than she ever takes, and a dad who loves with everything he has in him. I'm so beyond blessed, and I would never trade my family for anything in the world.

Right now though, things are hard at home. We always think parents are the ones who are supposed to comfort their kids when they're upset, but what happens when it is the parents that are upset? Normally they would turn to their spouse, but what happens when the parents are divorced? What happens when nothing seems to make sense anymore? When your faith rests on one thing? When it seems that everything is crashing down, and not even God can do anything to stop it?

I believe in God with everything in me. I have built my faith on a strong foundation. When my parents were getting a divorce, I persevered in order to strengthen my faith. When my nephew got into a horrible accident, I persevered in order to strengthen my faith. I do believe my faith is strong because I believe my God is strong. I believe in a God that will never fail me. I also believe that I need my God to carry me through this time. I cannot do this on my own. Pray for me please. I'm desperately in need of it.

-Savannah

"Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save..."

Hope in the Storm

2010-05-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

I had one of those days today that just seemed off. Nothing significantly bad happened until I got home at like 8, but even before them, things just seemed wrong. Things are just off sometimes. and after getting home and having a very humbling conversation with my mom, I got in the shower, collapsed on the shower floor, and cried. I let the hot water burn my skin, and I let my stress and worries wash off my shoulders. I cried, and I yelled at God, and I let God cry with me for the pain I was going through. I sat there for about 25 minutes, just wanting all my sorrows to be washed away. I sat there and cried for all I was and all I failed to be. I'm not saying this to be dramatic, or to say that my life sucks. but today was honestly just one of those days.

I wish I could take a shower and have all my sadness washed away. I wish that I could say a simple prayer and become numb to all pain. I wish. I wish that I didn't have to constantly remind myself that without hard times, I would have no idea what the good times looked like. God's taking care of me. Maybe all my sadness wasn't washed away, but neither was my hope. And even if tonight was just a hint of more painful times to come, it was also a hint of the more hopeful times to come.

-Savannah

Family

2010-05-26T20:25:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love my family. They're the best thing that's ever happened to me. God blessed me with the best group of people I know. I've gone through rough patches with all of them, but they have never stopped loving me. They have always been there as I've struggled and grown and hurt. They've always cared about me.

A lot of teenagers I know struggle with their families. and I understand that. I understand that sometimes it's rough at home. But I also understand that we live in a world plagued with death and disease and horrible accidents and at any moment, one of these could strike someone in our family. So many people are so quick to say that they don't get along with their mom, that they hate their dad's guts, that they can't wait to move out and get away from their annoying little brother, but we never think what we would do if we lost one of these people. We never think of what is to come. We're so focused on our mom, who wouldn't let us go to the party, or our dad, who doesn't want us dating that guy, or our brother, who touches our stuff without asking. But what if our mom wasn't there to make us dinner? and our dad wasn't there to protect us? and our brothers weren't there to back you up when mom and dad were yelling?

What if we started appreciating our family? I think it could be amazing. I think that everyone deserves to be as close to their family as I am to mine. I understand that sometimes there are problems in the home, but I also understand that we only get one shot at a family. We only have that group of people. There are no replacements. And for whatever reason, God wants us to be with those people. So let's love them. Cherish every moment you have. Live in the moment and love in the moment, so that you'll never regret the relationship you had with them.

-Savannah

Falling short

2010-05-24T17:35:00.001-07:00

It's so close to a year, but I feel years away from reaching it. Temptation comes every day, at a faster and faster rate. I can't imagine making it right now. I can't see myself crossing that finish line. I can only see myself falling. Falling short of that line, falling short of all the expectations, falling short of who I want to be. I only can see failure. I can only see me tripping on something right before I make it. I am officially giving up on trying to make it these last 15 days on my own. God, I need you now. I need your strength to carry me the rest of the way. I'm so weak without you. I need your help and your guidance and your love. I know you always give it to those who are willing, and right now God, I need you so much. I feel so fragile, like at any moment I might shatter into a thousand pieces, and never be put back together the right way again. Please God, be my strength.

Sexual purity

2010-05-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

My step brother got his girlfriend pregnant when I was in 6th grade. I remember being upset about it because I had always been told that you needed to be married before you had a baby. But I was in 6th grade, and my promise of sexual purity was one that my parents had talked me into making, and not one that I made myself. I remember calling my sister when I found out that my step brother and his girlfriend were having a baby. I was so upset and I specifically remember my sister saying, "Having sex before marriage is so dumb Savannah. It just leads to more trouble." Less than a year later, my sister told me she was pregnant. Suddenly I realized that sexual purity wasn't as easy as I had believed, and I realized that sexual purity seemed to have become a lukewarm promise for many. When you're single, and young, and are secretly still grossed out by the idea of kissing a guy, it's so easy to say you're going to be a virgin on your wedding day.

Despite my sister's mistakes, she has been the biggest influence in my decision to remain sexually pure until marriage. After giving birth to my niece and moving back in with her mom, my sister realized that her mistake would completely alter her life. What she had planned is no longer what she would get. and she still struggles with the consequences of what she did. The Christmas after she had Amiah, she got me my favorite cross necklace. With the necklace came a letter explaining the reasoning behind the gift. I'm not going to write the whole letter, because it was very long. But this paragraph has stuck with me these last 4 years:

"I hope that you are able to wear your necklace as a reminder to preserve your most wonderful qualities. In your growth into a woman, and then to a wife, and then to a mother, and then to a grandmother, never stop living your faith. adhere to your commitment to sexual purity, seek the Lord with your entire being, obey the guidance of the Holy Spirit, maintain your pragmatism, submerge yourself in the Word, forgive recklessly, pray diligently, and cheerfully welcome blessings."

I've done my best to follow my sister's advice, because it's the best advice I've ever gotten. For my 8th grade graduation, my sister bought me my purity ring. well my whole step family did, but I know my sister was the one who wanted me to have it. In a world where everything encourages sex, my sister has been the one to encourage purity.

From the time I first made a commitment to sexual purity, I knew things wouldn't be easy. and somehow I've ended up liking guys that aren't sexually pure. I've ended up liking guys who have hurt me because of their past mistakes. I don't believe our future is defined by our past. But I do believe that we all have to make the decision to not repeat our past. I get upset a lot because I'm sexually pure, and I still get hurt. I hate that I'm making the right choice, and I still get hurt. But that's how it is.

One thing I know is that I refuse to give up my morals for a guy. I will always remember what my sister told me in that letter. I will always remain strong in my promise to God. I know that one day God will bless me for my decision to remain pure. And that will have to be enough for me, because it's all I have.

Love revised

2010-05-18T21:20:00.001-07:00

I posted a blog a few days ago about love and how I didn't quite understand it. I posted the blog after my dad filed for divorce again, and I wasn't exactly thinking straight. A couple days ago I heard this quote, and I decided that instead of deleting my previous post, I would post a new blog with this quote in it.

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis really knew what he was talking about. I think Jesus is the perfect example of this. He loved everyone. He came and went straight to the gutter, straight to the prostitutes, straight to the tax collectors and the people that everyone hated. The pharisees hated him for this. The pharisees didn't understand why Jesus was going to these people that were horrible sinners. Jesus was killed for his radical ways of thinking. I'd have to say he was pretty vulnerable. But he loved anyways. He knew what he was getting himself into, and he still loved.

Maybe in my struggle to realize what true love is, I need to stop trying to be safe. I need to love without ceasing. I need to love without caring. I need to love with every fiber in my body and expect that God will take care of the rest. I need to follow Jesus's example. I need to be vulnerable. Maybe I'll get hurt. But maybe that's not what really matters after all.

-Savannah

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. -Mother Teresa

Newton's Laws

2010-05-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

I need prayer right now. I'm having one of those weeks where the slightest thing sets me off. I've sat here listening to Just Can't Seem to Get it Right Today by Joe Purdy for about an hour. That song seems to describe my day, my week, my month, maybe even my year. I love that God loves me when I just can't seem to get it right. But I have a hard time loving myself when I just can't seem to get it right. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror on days like these. But here's what I've come up with:

Sometimes it's ok when I don't get things right. It's expected, in fact. Sometimes I will mess up. Sometimes I'll hate myself for the mistakes I make. Sometimes I just won't get it right. Sometimes I'll go to bed thinking that I just want to give up. I keep thinking about one of Newton's laws that says for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So maybe for each day where I just DON'T get it right, there is a day where I will get it right. I'm sure Newton wasn't talking about things like this when he came up with that law, but it's the best encouragement I can offer on days like these.

On days when things seem wrong, I have to believe that there will be days when things will seem right. On days when I want to give up, I have to believe that there will be days that God will give me so much strength that I won't know how to handle it. On days when I can't love myself, I have to believe that there are so many people out there who are ready and willing to love me and carry me when I can't do it for myself. Because if I don't believe these things, then I really would end up giving up.

Burying the pain

2010-05-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

I just got done reading Joy Luck Club, and by reading, I mean I read spark notes the night before the test on it. For those of you who don't know, Joy Luck Club is a book about 4 Chinese mothers and their daughters. It addresses identity problems, a cultural transition between Chinese and American cultures, and most importantly, hidden pain. All 4 mothers have experienced horrible things in their past, and all 4 mothers do their best to push away their pain for as long as possible. Eventually though, they can no longer take it. The pain boils inside them until it explodes into something horrible. The pain comes out in the way they treat their daughters, and their daughters hate them because of it.

How dumb are the mothers to think they can hide their pain? It's funny because when you ask someone what their earliest memory is, it tends to be a bad one. The earliest memory I have is when I was 3 and I was in this little car thing, rolling around on my driveway. I rolled right to the bottom of my driveway, and my chin rammed into the brick wall that was there. I still remember that day. I remember having this horrible scrape on my chin. And I don't remember anything that happened before that.

We remember pain more than anything else, and yet that's the thing we run from the most. I'm a pretty emotional person, and anyone who's friends with me knows that. I cry over pretty much everything, and when I'm upset, I don't hide it. I do my best to confront pain as soon as it attacks, because if I don't, it'll stay in my body until I channel it in the most horrible ways. We need to get our pain out. Going around and telling everyone we're fine with a fake smile on our face isn't going to benefit us. It hurts us so much. Why bury the pain if it'll only come back worse than before? Why have friends if you're not willing to talk to them when times get hard? Why let pain take over your life?

Get the help you need. Don't just go through the pain; grow through it. We're more than our pain. We have stories to tell. But these stories cannot be told if we continue to bury our pain.

-Savannah

oh in love and sadness

2010-05-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

I recently kind of had a crush on this guy. It was a guy I had liked a little last year, but this time, I thought it might go somewhere. I was wrong. I was fooling myself into thinking that it would work. This guy and I have huge differences, and there are a lot of things that would stand in the way of us being in a relationship. So why did I feel a little bit heartbroken when we got into a fight this week? Why did it hurt just a little knowing that things didn't work out? It wasn't because I liked this guy that much, that's for sure. He's a nice guy. He's really sweet to me. But I'm not upset because I was head over heels for him. And as I sat at my friend's house, talking to her about him, I think I might have figured out what it was that made me so upset.

We all want to be loved. Purely and simply loved. We all want someone who cares about us, who thinks about us all the time, and who would do anything for us. It's this inherent thing that I'm pretty sure everyone has. It's the reason we would rather be with a group of friends than alone in our house. It's the reason most girls' hearts melt when I guy pays attention to us. It's the reason we cling to those we know so well. Because they make us feel needed, wanted, and loved. I think this is why I liked this guy. I loved that he called me beautiful. I loved that he wanted to talk to me. I loved that he made me feel important.

The problem is, we cannot awaken this love until it's so desired. God needs to be the one to provide me with this love for the time being. I'm doing a dating Bible study right now in the hopes of finding out God's will for my dating life. I keep trying to force my way through it without letting God be my guide.

When I imagine following God's will, I always see myself looking at a map of God's will. But maybe that's the problem. Maybe instead of looking down at a map, I should be looking ahead of me at God. He's leading the way. I'm just not paying enough attention. I'm so focused on this plan that isn't even a good one, that I'm forgetting to follow God. But the fact is, I can't keep looking down and getting frantic that I'll make a wrong turn. If I follow God, there won't be a turn that will be made without Him. It's not to say that I won't make mistakes or wrong turns. But God will be with me. If I'm following Him, He will always provide.

-Savannah

p.s. ok, after going back and reading this blog again, it sounds kind of harsh against this guy. there's nothing wrong with him, and a part of me still likes him, but we reached a stale mate in our relationship and I don't really see us moving forward at this point.

love?

2010-05-11T17:27:00.001-07:00

My dad has officially filed for divorce. Nothing surprising there. I've been expecting it for the past 4 or 5 years now. But it got me to thinking about relationships. It got me to thinking about all the times I've been hurt by those that "love" me. It got me to thinking about how absolutely screwed up humans are. It got me to thinking about how none of us really seem to know what we're doing, but we still go around pretending like we do and hurting others in the process. It got me to thinking about how scared I am to ever get close to anyone because maybe I'll screw up just as bad, if not worse, than those around me have. I've never had a boyfriend, and I don't think it's because I can't get one. I've never had a boyfriend because I'm absolutely scared out of my mind that one day I'll end up divorced, with my heart broken kids having to suffer the consequences of my stupid mistake. I can't bear the thought of putting someone through divorce, so anytime I get close to a guy, I run. I don't understand the way God loves. I don't get this whole unconditional thing, because I've only ever witnessed conditional love. I guess it's another fault of humans. Sometimes I get angry at God. I get angry that He expects us to "love" one another when maybe I have absolutely no idea what that means. Maybe I have absolutely no idea HOW to love. Maybe this world is so screwed up that it's made me not want to love, it's made me want to run away and stay in my own room in my own house for the rest of my life. I hate that God has this love so perfected, and I'm stuck wondering how I'm ever supposed to love the way God does. I hate not knowing how to do something, and right now, I feel more clueless than ever.

I will never leave you

2010-04-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

There's this new Bible verse that has taken on a whole new meaning to me. It's a verse I've heard many times before, and it's a verse that is restated in the Bible a number of times. It's Deuteronomy 31:6-

"Be strong and brave. Don't be afraid of them and don't be frightened, because the Lord your God will go with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

I've been feeling left out lately in so many ways. At school, I feel as if I'm fighting God's battle all alone. I see people I went to school with for so long beginning to walk down a bad path. These are people I went to church with, people who once told me they thought drugs and drinking were stupid.

Even in my group of friends, I feel isolated. I feel as if, and I don't mean this to sound stuck up, but I feel as if I'm more mature than some people around me. I feel like even my friends don't want to be with me. Like I'm worthless or something to them. I understand that this probably isn't true, and when I confront my friends about feeling left out, they just tell me I'm being ridiculous.

Now, even at church, I feel as if there's no place for me. I realize that sometimes we isolate ourselves, and all we need to do to fix the situation is put ourselves out there. But this time, I feel as if the choices of those around me are isolating me more than anything else is.

I've heard that verse from Deuteronomy a ridiculous amount of times. But right now, I feel as if I finally understand the verse. Forsake means to completely renounce, to abandon, or to desert. That has a pretty powerful meaning. I read about 15 different versions of this verse, and all of them used the word forsake. I started thinking about it, and I realized that most people I encounter in my life will be temporary. I love my best friends, but can I honestly say that there won't come a time in our lives where we forget each other? 60 years from now, will they still be my best friends? The odds are against us. I most likely won't be going to the same church, and eventually, the memory of me will fade in others minds.

But in God's mind, the memory of me will always be there. He'll never forget me. He will never leave me, never forsake me, never renounce me, never abandon me, never leave me out. He will always love me, and when I feel I have nowhere else to turn, he'll be there. I love that verse now. I love that promise. It's a big one, and one that I know God will keep.

End Times?

2010-04-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

I believe the end of the world is coming. In fact, I hope the end of the world is coming. I know this world is only temporary, but at times it feels like it will never end. At times, it feels like we will forever be stuck in this place that quite obviously isn't home.

I sat by these girls on the bus on Monday. I sat, and I listened to them talk about having sex with their boyfriends, smoking week, drinking, and partying. I sat there as one of them said, "What do my parents think we're doing? We're high schoolers." I then started thinking, Is this really what all high schoolers do? Have the majority of kids my age done things that I would never dream of doing? I'm not saying I'm perfect. I've messed up, like anyone else has. But I am so shocked to see what's happening.

I believe the end of the world is coming because I believe that everything prophesied in the Bible is coming true.

* Matthew 24:7 "For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and in various places there will be famines and earthquakes."

It seems almost every day now I hear about some earthquake happening somewhere.The number and intensity of earthquakes this century is at a level higher than any other time in history. A staggering number of seismic events occur around the world daily. The earthquake seismic monitor IRIS shows all major earthquakes for the last year. Indicated by yellow and red circles, the seismic events of the last 15 days provides strong evidence of the fulfillment of Matthew 24:7 in our day. By contrast, in the years from 1890 to 1900 there was only one major earthquake in the world. More than I ever remember.

I also hear every day how much of the world lives on less than 2 dollars a day. How much of the world is hungry. How much of the world is dying.

* Matthew 24:8-9 "But all these things are merely the beginning of birth pangs. Then they will deliver you to tribulation, and will kill you, and you will be hated by all nations on account of my name."

Christians are under attack in every part of the world now. In many other countries such as China, Sudan, Africa, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, Russia, and many Muslim nations, Christian suffer much greater persecution and often times death for their faith.

* II Timothy 3:1-5,7 "But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of god; holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth."

This one makes me think of the girls on my bus. Of so many kids in my classes. How selfish people have become; how disrespectful everyone is to their parents; how no one appreciates the fact that they have clothing and food and place to live--they only want more; how easily kids make fun of other kids, and ridicule people for not being like them; how fast rumors spread and how hurtful those rumors are to all involved; how the people that do good are made fun of because that's not the "cool" thing to do; how it's so easy to think oneself is good, but so hard to find any good in others; how people say they believe in God, but don't back it up in their actions; and how people spend their whole lives seeing proof of God's existence, but stubbornly stick to what they've believed for so long.

* I Timothy 4:1-3 "But the spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons. By means of the hypocrisy of liars seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron, men who forbid marriage and advocate abstaining from foods which God has created to be gratefully shared in by those who believe and know the truth."

I was honestly shocked when I researched this blog to find that many "Christian" churches are claiming that Christ is not the only way to salvation. Giving in to the politically correct media and a corrupt society, they have embraced homosexuality as an acceptable alternate lifestyle and preach tolerance and compromise in place of God's truth for the salvation of the world. The environmentalist movement within the New Age movement lures them into a worship of mother earth, belief in past lives, reincarnation, and Karma while demonizing all those who would eat the meat God gave us as nourishment for our bodies.

*Luke 21:26 "Men will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken."

I think the reason so many are actually believing this 2012 thing is because they are uncertain, and are trying to cling onto whatever they can. It's as if they want truth with no strings attach. To believe God's truth is to live God's truth, and some don't want to be responsible for that.

These are some things I've found from reading my Bible and researching. But as far as I'm concerned, it's enough evidence to make me realize how close we are to Jesus' return. It is also a reminder to me to stay strong in my faith. satan is currently attacking the followers of God. I see it in my every day life just as I see it in the daily life of my friends. satan is doing everything he can to shatter faith in God. Don't let him. Stand strong in the things you know are true. Believe what the Bible says. The ends times are coming soon. All I want is to serve Jesus with every fiber in my body until that day comes. I'm ready to go to my permanent home.

-Savannah

Hi...I'm Savannah

2010-03-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm Savannah. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. I have a huge fear of tape, I break out into Broadway songs in the middle of sentences, I could quote Harry Potter or Friends all day, I would rather read than watch TV, and I would rather spend all day with a group of 4 year olds than with anyone my age. My point is, I'm pretty weird.

Going to Heritage for 9 years, I had a pretty solid group of friends. I still do have a solid group of friends from there. But when I got to high school, things were different. I didn't see those people in every class, and I got made fun of. Suddenly, I wasn't very confident in my self image. For the first time since I could remember, I felt very out of place. I felt that I wasn't good enough for high school kids. It was as if I had just got swimming with all my clothes on. There was this uncomfortable, sticky feeling that followed me every day. I didn't belong. When I was with my group of Heritage friends, I was just fine. But in the classes where I didn't know anyone, I was scared. My self esteem levels lowered as I stepped into my English classroom. There was this one kid who chose me as his victim. Each day, he would find some new reason to laugh at me. And everyday, when I left my English classroom, I felt my self esteem grow smaller and smaller.

It got to a point where there was nothing left. No self esteem at all. I walked into English class with my head held low, sat down quietly, and did my best to hide anything weird about me. For a long time, I felt the need to be who he wanted me to be. But eventually, things got better. Eventually, I realized who I was. I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

Right now, I'm struggling a lot with choir. I don't know if I should do it next year. See there's this plaque up on the wall, and each year, one student's name is added to the plaque. I'm not sure what this award is called, but it's basically the outstanding choir student award. Both of my brothers are on that plaque. I don't think I'll ever make it up there. I'm not writing that to be terribly pessimistic, but I don't feel as if I am improving in choir. It's become a struggle for me, and one that I don't enjoy at that. I feel like my whole life I've been trying to live up to my brothers' amazing legacies, whether it be academic legacies or performing legacies. My brothers are absolutely amazing at everything they do. Both graduated with high honors, both are amazing singers, and I'm stuck somewhere in between.

I keep telling myself I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. I keep telling myself, in the hopes that I'll see it as more of a truth than just words of comfort. I keep telling myself that, because I need to believe it. I'm weird, I may not be good at much, and I may have more insecurities than most, but I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. My creator hand crafted me, and gave me the gifts (or lack there of) that he did for a reason. God loves me. I don't need to be a good singer or dancer. I don't need to have straight A's. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. And I need that to be enough. I need to believe that more, because it's the best truth I have.

For A Friend

2010-03-13T22:40:00.001-08:00

I have this best friend. He's honestly amazing. He's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, and he only deserves the best. He's been my best friend for a few years now, and I can't imagine not having him as my friend. He's one of those guys that everyone needs to meet, because he's someone worth knowing.

So my friend liked this girl for a really long time, and I guess she finally saw what she was missing out on, and she liked him too. They started dating, and they dated for about 7 months until she cheated on him and he felt forced to break up with her. Now he's caught in this tug-of-war with what he wants to do and what he knows he should do. He still cares about her a lot, and yet he knows she hurts him. It's been driving me crazy sitting here, watching him get hurt by her time and time again.

It seems to be she knows just what to do to keep him around. I don't believe this girl is deserving of my friend, and I keep thinking that I would love for him to just move on and find someone better.

Sometimes I think this is how God feels about us. We get into these horrible habits that hurt us continuously. We hang out with the wrong crowd, or date the wrong person, or do the wrong things. We get hurt. And yet, we cannot seem to part with these things that hurt us. Maybe it's because we get comfortable. Or maybe it's because we're not sure what will happen if we leave that person or thing behind. Maybe the fear of the unknown is what terrifies us the most. Whatever it is, we continue to stick with it. We continue allowing this pain to take over us and consume us.

I always think God is probably sitting up in Heaven when we do all these things, thinking how stupid we are. But that's not true. God is right here with us, experiencing the pain with us, and weeping with us. God doesn't sit up on his throne all day, laughing at His children for being stupid. He's a part of us. When we hurt, he hurts. I imagine that what I feel for my friend is just a tiny fraction of what God feels when we do hurtful things to ourself. God loves us so much, and when we keep going back to the hurtful things instead of turning to him, he gets hurt. Turn to God first. God doesn't hurt. He'll never hurt you. There will still be painful things in life, but God will always be there to hold you when it hurts.

-Savannah

Kaylee

2010-03-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

I just had an odd conversation with someone I've never before had the misfortune of talking to. I found Kaylee's formspring, and before even realizing what I was doing, I had asked her a question. She replied and we had an...odd conversation about Michael. I hadn't really thought about Michael in a couple months, at least not until I saw Kaylee's account. She isn't as completely horrible as I thought she was, and I finally started to see some things that I never saw before.

Kaylee apologized to me. I don't know her well enough to know if it was fake or not, nor do I care. She apologized. She said she had been stupid, and called herself a number of the insults I used on her for so long. Since the end of last July, I've held this horrible grudge on her. I thought she was just about the most evil person I have ever met. But if there's one thing I know for sure now about relationships, it's that we all make mistakes. A bunch of them. We hurt people when we don't mean to. We fail in so many aspects of who we aspire to be. Sometimes we immediately realize our mistakes; other times, it takes us months or years to realize we did something wrong.

I have done so many stupid things before, and yet somehow, I can sit here and pass judgment on others. I like to have this "holier than thou" attitude, and sit up on my pedestal judging those "beneath" me. Maybe what it's time I realize is that we all make mistakes. People will hurt us, and we'll hurt others. There's no avoiding it when we live in an imperfect world. The best we can do is love. Love people through their mistakes. Love those that hurt us, and apologize to those we have wronged. Life isn't about the number of mistakes you make, it's about the amount of grace God has given us to cover the mistakes. It's about the love God has given us to cover the pain of those mistakes. And it's about the blood God shed in the form of his Son in order to remove the mistakes completely.

-Savannah

Romans 3: 22-24 This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Identity

2010-02-28T13:31:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling isolated right now. As if I don't fit anywhere. Sometimes I think I'm not fit to be around humans. I get annoyed very easily and I say what I'm thinking often which makes me seem like a jerk. I think high school is a hard time for people. So many spend all four years trying to figure out who they really are. Cliques begin to form and people tend to find their identity in their friends or in the things they do. There's the jocks, the cheerleaders, the choir kids, the band kids, the smart kids, and all those in between. Sometimes it's the things we do that seem to make us into who we are. Others go a different way, settling for drugs and alcohol. Kids become willing to do whatever it takes to fit in somewhere, and for many this includes unhealthy habits.

But instead of turning to choir or friends for my identity, I've turned to God. My church family means so much to me, and in many ways, we've grown together and helped each other through the hard times. I don't believe who we are will ever stay the same. I believe we change as we grow, and we grow as we allow ourselves to change. We're never the same from one day to the next. Right now I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I feel as if I'm not good enough to be in choir. I'm not smart enough to be in all the honors and AP classes that I'm in. I'm not athletic enough to join sports. I'm not pretty enough to join cheerleading, nor do I have enough money. I don't have the skill to learn to play an instrument.

But I'll always be good enough for God. I can come to Him no matter what. There's no prerequisites. I don't have to be talented, or pretty, or athletic, or rich to come to God. He's there waiting for me, with arms wide open. The closer to God I become, the more I realize who I really am. I realize that I am loved, and so beautiful in the eyes of my Father. I don't have to question who I am anymore. Maybe I don't know where I belong in school. Maybe some days I feel completely alone. But at least I'm secure in who God made me. I can love myself for who I am because I know God loves me for who I am. And I don't need anything else to make my identity complete.

-Savannah

Scratched CDs and Bright Futures

2010-02-17T20:42:00.000-08:00

I fell in love with Wicked the summer after fourth grade. I listened to my brother's CD of it all the time, and I knew all the words in less than a week. For my next birthday, Jason got me the soundtrack, and I was so excited. I listened to it all the time, and I was so upset when it got a scratch on it. After that, every time I listened to a certain song, it would skip. I would hear the same part over and over again.

Anyways, the point of my whole Wicked story is that sometimes this can happen in our lives. We mess up, and there's this scratch there. Either we do something stupid, or someone else does something stupid, and there's this scratch left on our lives. After that, every time we think about a certain person, or a certain thing, or a certain year, that scene will play on repeat. Sometimes the scratches are from things we've done, and other times it's from something someone else has done. But the fact is, we'll get those scratches. Humans our imperfect, and the lives we lead our imperfect.

Things will happen that cannot be erased. Sometimes, all that can be done is to move on. The scratches may always be there, but your future will always be awaiting you. You'll never be able to remove that scratch, so don't waste your time trying to. Learn from the past, and make a better future out of it. Don't let the scratches define you.

-Savannah

Mr. Pearson

2010-02-11T16:30:00.000-08:00

I had the best fifth grade teacher in the world. I've had 24 teachers, and this one still falls in my top 3. Mr. Pearson always did the most fun things in class. He made learning something enjoyable. He has this incredible gift to spark excitement in kids, and somehow he made my least favorite subjects my favorite. But what I loved most about Mr. Pearson was his faith. Mr. Pearson was the first person who taught me to make my faith my own.

I grew up in the church. I was at church every Sunday, and I went to every weekly Bible study and kid's program there was. I knew a lot about God from a very young age. By the time I was in 1st grade, I had memorized more verses than most people my age now have memorized. I knew a lot of Bible stories, and could answer most all questions the sunday school teacher would ask. But for a long time, something was missing.

Growing up with a Christian family didn't make me Christian. There comes a point in everyone's life when they have to decide if they believe something, or if their parents believe it. 5th grade was when this time came for me. Mr. Pearson would engage me in the most interesting conversations, and he would challenge me to dig deeper into what I claimed I believed. I would stay after school talking to him, and he would answer any questions I had about anything. My faith became my own that year. I dug deeper into what I said I believed then I ever had, and I found a more personal God than I had known in my life. This personal God has stuck with me, and so has Mr. Pearson.

Even after 5th grade, I often found myself in Mr. Pearson's room. He's helped me through so much. He's prayed with me on numerous occasions and he's always been there to offer advice or simply listen to me when I'm upset. He showed me a God I had never known before, and my faith would not be what it is today if he hadn't been my teacher. The point of this ranting blog is simply this: Find the personal God I did. the one you can call "dad". Find the one, true God. And once you do, once you find a faith that is all your own and once you find God who loves you and is closer than ever, hold on for dear life. satan likes to try and break that bond. Stop him. Resist temptation, and stay close to the One who will never leave you. Build your faith on a strong foundation, so that when the storms come, it will not crumble.

-Savannah

Oh Boy

2010-02-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

I miss Michael. I'm missing him a lot right now. Maybe it's because I just went to Red Lobster and put up menus all around me while my brothers ate lobster. Or maybe it's because I saw him at my school and he's been on my mind more than normal the past week. I miss him. and I want to text him or call him or try to talk to him. But I don't know if he still has the same number, or if he still lives in the same place, or anything. Worse than that, I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore. I have these constant thoughts that he has another girlfriend and that's why he stopped talking to me. Or maybe he finally realized how insane I was, and just forgot about me. I just know that I miss him. I hate that we don't talk and I hate that I have no way of knowing if he's at all ok. I pray for him every night. I just hope he's doing what God wants him to do. For such a long time I prayed to God that I would be able to talk to him again, but sitting here writing this right now, I just want to pray that God will bring some kind of peace. I don't want to think about Michael if he's not thinking about me. And I want to move on or find something else to occupy my time and my thoughts. I'm not saying I want a boyfriend or anything right now. But I want peace in my heart. Come on God, please give me the peace I need. I'm so tired of all of this right now.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day is coming up, which means that the pessimism of my friends is shining through more than ever. So many people I know think Valentine's day is a pointless holiday. That we don't need a day set aside to tell people we love them because we should be doing that every day. I have a very different view on Valentine's Day. I don't find it pointless. I find it as a day to commemorate St. Valentine. And because I'm sure most of you don't know this story, I think I'll enlighten you and share it here.

St. Valentine was a priest around 269 or 270. The Roman emperor at the time, Claudius II, was fighting a lot of wars. The men were getting tired of leaving their wives and kids to go fight, so Claudius figured he would solve this problem by making marriage illegal. Valentine, being a priest, believed marriage was important. He figured that if marriage was illegal, people would simply be living in sin, and it would not prevent them from falling in love. So he secretly married couples, and was constantly on the run from the roman government.

Eventually, he was caught, and sent to good old Claudius for sentencing. Claudius immediately saw him as a great potential member of his army, and told him if he denounced his faith and joined the army, he would not be punished. Well St. Valentine refused, and was sent to prison where he would await execution. While he was in prison, he sent out letters to his friends and asked to be prayed for by writing Remember your Valentine. He was killed soon after, on February 14th.

St. Valentine thought love was something worth fighting for, even something worth dying for. Love shouldn't be isolated to one day out of the whole year. People are right about that. But the other thing to remember is that almost every holiday could be ridiculed on that basis. Christmas: we shouldn't celebrate Jesus' birth only one day out of the whole year, therefore, Christmas is a stupid holiday. Easter: We shouldn't celebrate Jesus dying on the cross just one day a year, therefore, Easter is a stupid holiday.

I know Valentine's day has become a commercialized holiday, but at the heart of it, it's not bad. Love is something worth fighting for. A lack of a boyfriend or girlfriend means nothing. Don't we all have family and friends that we love at this time?? Has our love at this holiday become exclusive to a significant other? Why can't we show others how much we love them? Why become pessimistic simply because you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Use Valentine's Day as a way to reflect on those that you love. Use it as a day to remember God's love. Use it as a day to remember St. Valentine, who believed in marriage and love, and believed in something he considered worth dying for.

-Savannah

Comfortable Dreams

2010-02-05T15:07:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of dreams. Some of them are practical, and others are the dreams of the little girl inside of me that will never come true.

I dream of finishing school quite often now. I remember when I first started looking into colleges how excited I was. I couldn't wait to get out of this small town and feel as if I'm doing something. I have wanted to work with children since I was in 5th grade. I met amazing people at my church who encouraged me in this area, and taught me what I would need to know to become something. I still have this dream to work with children. Sometimes I think God is calling me to work with a church, with a close family where I will always be loved and always be comfortable.. To be a children's ministry director and to teach children to live their lives for Christ. Other times I think God is calling me to go to the deepest darkest jungles of Africa and minister to children there, in a foreign land, with a foreign people, who might constantly reject my teachings.

Occasionally, I dream of simply getting married and living at home with all my kids running around like crazy. I dream of experiencing a love I never knew was possible. I dream of having this tidy lifestyle where I wake up, take the kids to school, do the chores around the house, and wait for my kids to come home from school. Then my husband would walk through the door and say, "Honey, I'm home!" just like in an episode from I Love Lucy. I dream of being comfortable for the most part. Of knowing what I'm doing and when I'm doing it and how it's going to happen and who will be there and all the other specifics I didn't mention.

But one thing I know for sure, God likes to take me out of my comfort zone. He likes for me to experience that same feeling as when you get out of a spa and jump into a pool. God has shown me amazing things when I allowed him to throw me into that pool. Last summer when I went to San Francisco, I couldn't think of anything less comfortable. I hate talking to people I don't know. I'm fairly shy around new people, and I was scared out of my mind. But God took my fears, and turned them into something beautiful. God took me out of my comfort zone and stayed with me the whole time. I've never been happier than I was when I allowed God to use me in whatever way he wanted to. So as I'm sitting here thinking about my dreams and the comfortable lifestyle I one day want to have, I force myself to remember that week in San Francisco. God does amazing things when I am not comfortable. God takes away my fears somehow. Despite me not liking to talk to people I don't know, I do believe God did something through me that week. Maybe I'll never know what impact I had, or if I really helped anyone, but what I do know is that I was living for God. I still want to work with children, and I still want a husband and kids, but more than those dreams, I dream to live for God. I dream of a life where God is always my number 1 and of a life where every action I make, every word I say, is done to the glory of God. Maybe I'll be uncomfortable. But maybe that's ok. I love God enough that I'm willing to be uncomfortable for a few years in order to be comfortable for an eternity with Him.

-Savannah

Forget Regret?

2010-02-03T20:45:00.000-08:00

I hate when people say, "I live life with no regrets." I don't really think this is a logical statement. If you don't have regrets, won't you find yourself in the same positions over and over again? I regret things I've done. I've done a lot of stupid things. I've hurt other people and I've hurt myself and I regret doing those things. What's important in life is to not dwell on those moments. Don't forget them. Don't say you don't have regrets. Use that regret and turn it into something better.

We're only human. We will make mistakes. We will mess up, and do the exact opposite of what we wanted to sometimes. We're going to hurt people and people are going to hurt us. Life isn't perfect and relationships aren't perfect and love isn't perfect unless it's coming from God. I'd like to end this with Madeleine L'Engle quote because she says it much better than I could.

"The best way to help the world is to start by loving each other. Not blandly, blindly, but realistically, with understanding and forbearance and forgiveness."

Remember that we will all make mistakes. Forgive, and learn to love not only others through their mistakes, but also yourself through your mistakes.

-Savannah

Pregnancy Pact

2010-01-25T19:45:00.000-08:00

I watched this movie on lifetime today called The Pregnancy Pact. It's about a group of girls who decide to all get pregnant at the same time. They have this fantasy about raising their kids together and having them go to school together and getting married to their boyfriends. Of course things don't work out the way they were supposed to. The girl that started the pact ends up having a premature baby. Due to the amount of alcohol the girl consumed during her pregnancy, it was a tough delivery. The baby was obviously not healthy when born and most likely would have problems the rest of its life. I believe that some of the girls dropped out of high school, due to lack of appropriate daycare needed for their child. Not one of the girls married her boyfriend. Not one. The main girl, Sarah, saw her boyfriend at the end of the movie with another girl. She had the baby on her own, and raised it with only the help of her parents. That child would have to grow up without a dad.

As I watched this movie, I began to wonder why it is that things like these happen. Where did this pattern start? Why are so many teenage girls ok with becoming pregnant? Why is it so many girls feel that if they don't give their boyfriend sex, they're not worth something? And then there's these lies that go around. There's this mentality that if you don't have sex you're not "cool"

46% of high school students are actually having sex. However, over 80% have told their friends that they are "Sexually active" None of it makes sense to me. I believe I'm worth someone waiting for me. I believe that if a guy truly loved me, he would not pressure me into doing anything. I believe that the psychological effects of having sex before marriage are simply not worth it. I love myself too much to do that and I love my future husband too much to do that. All I can pray for is that somewhere out there, the man I will one day marry is staying pure. I hope he thinks I'm worth the wait because I know he's worth it.

Dreams

2010-01-19T21:08:00.000-08:00

My mom and I are so similar and I never realized it until today. We were driving home, and it was snowing like crazy. We were about a half a mile from home when our car started sliding and the tires started spinning and we ended up in a berm on the side of the road. We got out of the car and attempted to put the chains on. Once we thought we had them securely fastened, we started to try and drive and the chains pretty much just fell right off. So we were there for about an hour, attempting and failing to find some way to get home. At one point the chain got caught up in something underneath the car and we couldn't move at all. Finally we called our friend Leslie and her son came down to help us properly fasten our chains. We got home in about half an hour after he came. While my mom and I were sitting in the snow, two helpless girls attempting to do something we didn't really know how to do, we got to talking.

I want to major in the same thing my mom did. My mom wanted to be a children's ministry director and so do I. She wanted to marry a youth pastor so she could be involved in youth ministries and so do I. I want to go to the same college she did. She worked as a secretary to help pay her way through college. So do I. It's weird how similar my mom and I are. But, to be completely honest, I don't want to go the way my mom did. My mom got married young. Not ridiculously young, but young enough that I don't think she was ready yet. She got divorced young too. She was 34 when her marriage ended and she has since then struggled with the life of a single mother. I admire my mom so much for what she has done for me and my brothers. I admire her for always doing her best and always supporting us. But I don't want to end up that way. I don't want to be sitting in the snow for over an hour thinking that a husband would be real nice at that time to help with things like putting on chains. I don't want to be sitting there wondering what my life would be like had I not married young and divorced young. I want to sit there knowing that even if I do have to put the chains on all alone, I have a husband waiting for me at home.

People tell me that I'm too strict about my dating life. That I should just have fun and go out there and date whoever and kiss whoever and then when we break up, it won't matter because that person is just another person to add to my list. But I guess I just don't want to follow in my parents' footsteps. When I do finally date, it'll be with someone I trust and someone who is my best friend. It won't just be another whoever because I deserve so much more than that. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. But I don't want to be just like my mom. I want to take the dreams that she had for so long, and actually pursue them. I want to be the person my mom didn't get the chance to be. I love my mom and I love her for teaching me to continuously pursue my dreams because she didn't get to when she should have.

-Savannah

Moving on

2010-01-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

Moving on is hard to do. I'm sitting here thinking about something that no longer exists. and honestly, I am so happy that it doesn't exist anymore. But that doesn't keep my mind from wandering back to things that have happened before. I remember so clearly that ride up to San Francisco. I remember so clearly the late nights spent online talking to you. I remember so clearly going over to your house and sitting next to you in church and you coming to my show. But clearer than all those memories is the one where you broke my heart. I so clearly remember my mom coming into my room to tell me what had happened. I so clearly remember reapplying my make up that night because I was crying. I so clearly remember Paige hugging me and listening to me and telling me what an idiot you were. I don't want those memories anymore.

I got a new phone today and every saved message I had was not transferred over to my new phone. Every nice thing you ever said to me is gone and I think I'm actually relieved. I don't know much about relationships and I don't know much about anything that comes with relationships but I do know that I deserve someone amazing. I believe I'm worth something and I believe that in moving on, I'm just moving closer to what I deserve. I don't think i want to be in a relationship right now. I don't really know. But I do know that next time I think I'm ready for a relationship, I'll be holding out for the guy who decided to hold out for a girl like me.

-Savannah

p.s. I absolutely hate that it's been months since we've talked and I still feel the urge to write a blog about you. I'm pathetic. Not as pathetic as you, but still pathetic.

Seizures

2010-01-13T21:21:00.000-08:00

The past two days at choreography, the fire alarms have been going off at least 10 times in an hour. There is a blinking light and a high pitched noise that comes with these alarms. Unfortunately, high pitched noises and flashing nights trigger seizures and I've had numerous seizures the past 2 days. The light goes off, the sound screeches, and my brain sends me the signal that this is unacceptable. It's this long lasting signal that rings in my ears even after it's been given. The first few times I heard it, I tried to ignore it. I pretended as if it wasn't hurting my head in any way. But eventually, my body could no longer handle it and I had a seizure. After that, I immediately covered my ears and my eyes when the alarm came on.

God is like that fire alarm sometimes. Not in the way that he causes pain of any kind. But he sends us constant signals of things. He tells us in every possible way when something needs to be changed. He sends us warning signals and yet, somehow, we still do things we shouldn't do. We act as if we can somehow get away with it. As if ignoring that ringing noise will make it go away. But it never does. Eventually it catches up with us and we fall. We fail or we mess up or we become sick because we were meant to listen to that ringing. We were made to listen to God. He's ringing in my ears and I'm sure if you listen, you'll hear him ringing in yours. He only wants to help you. Unlike that fire alarm, he's not here to hurt you. But if you continue to ignore it, the building will catch on fire and you'll be struggling to get out. Listen to God before the "Seizures" come. listen to God now so that as time goes on, you'll recognize his voice easily.

-Savannah

Day #8- Mom

2010-01-13T17:16:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry about not posting a blog yesterday. I left choreography early after having a lot of weird mini seizures and I came home and slept. And in all honesty, I didn't see something to be thankful for. My brain was spazzing out and I was too tired to even think of something I had to be thankful for. But today, I'm thankful for my mom. We have had so many ups and downs and she has loved me through the whole thing. Because my parents were divorced when I was young, I've grown up with my mom and it's gotten me closer with her than most people are with their parents. I'm blessed to have her. We fight sometimes and I have most definitely had hard times with her but she's still my mom and I will always love her.

Day #7- Friends

2010-01-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

Today I'm thankful for simple moments with friends that can make your day. I'm thankful for my friends that make me laugh so hard my side hurts and friends that make me want to come to school. I'm thankful for friends that encourage me and friends that push me towards God. I'm thankful for friends that I go to when I'm upset and friends that come to me when they're upset. I'm thankful for a family of friends who sometimes know me better than I know myself. I'm thankful for people that support me and encourage me and love me despite what else happens.

-Savannah