The mess I've made

I'm going to be completely in this blog post about how I'm feeling. This blog is where I vent about everything so I'm not going to make any apologies about what I write. People never used to read my blog and just because people do now doesn't mean I should change what I write here. I should warn you though, this blog is the mess my heart is in written into words. It makes me sound whiny, pathetic, and stupid-all of which I am at the moment.

There are some days where it takes everything I have inside me to wake up. I'm stressed right now. I'm overwhelmed. and I have no desire to do anything anymore. I keep thinking of how much I want to go back to San Francisco so I can serve God. But I should be able to serve God right where I live, Yet, I have absolutely no desire to do that right now. The only thing I enjoy doing is teaching Sunday school. But lately I've felt as if I'm absolutely no good at that. I wonder sometimes if I'm wasting my time with those kids. Would they notice if I wasn't there?
I miss Michael more than words can begin to say. He said things wouldn't get easier and I guess what he meant by that was that he would no longer talk to me. I understand he's busy. But most of the time, I think he just doesn't want to talk to me. I miss him when I have good news, because he's the one I want to tell. I miss him when I'm sad, because he's the one who would listen. I miss him. Things are different now. Things have been different since that one second when he decided to do what he did. But aside from that, I think he might be different. He doesn't seem to be the guy I met at the start of the summer. Either that or I'm not the girl I was at the start of summer.
Chris showed a video about sex trafficking this morning. When I left San Francisco, I promised God I would do everything in my power to make a change in what was happening up there, no matter how small that change would be. 5 months have come and gone, and my passion for that had left. When Chris showed that video, I started crying. What happened to the part of me that had a burning desire to change the world? What happened to the part of me that knew where God wanted me and knew what God wanted me doing there? What happened to me? I've become desensitized to the things of this world and it's awful. What has happened to me?
My friends' parents are getting a divorce. I teach sunday school with this girl. I talk to her every week and never once did I think to ask her how she's doing. and then I find out her parents are splitting and now I feel like the biggest jerk for not being there. I could only think about my struggles with Michael and my dad. I was so selfish. I was so wrong.
Renee Olson is getting surgery on Tuesday because she has breast cancer. I can't imagine what her kids and husband are going through. and yet somehow, I sit here comfortably and forget other's pain. How could I be so selfish?
My heart and mind are conflicted at the moment. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. My thoughts are eating me from the inside out. Anyways, I suppose I'm done venting. Time to go talk to God about all this stuff.

My Prayer List

1. My friend's parents.
2. A desire to serve God
   
3. My relationship with Michael
4. My dad
5. Renee Olson
6. Why I'm here.
   

Turn Around

I was talking to a friend from church last night who has had a harder life than most. She was raped when she was younger by a family member. After that, she attempted suicide and has since then struggled with cutting and all the feelings that come with victims of rape. Thank God, she didn't succeed in killing herself.

God doesn't make mistakes. I've heard so many times that if you were the only person on earth, Jesus still would have died on that cross for you. Human minds are limited. We can never understand how much God loves us. My mind only knows the limited love of humans. You being born...it wasn't a a mistake. God has you here for a purpose. It doesn't matter if your parents say you were a mistake. It doesn't matter if your parents say they didn't plan on having you. It doesn't matter. God is the one that makes us. You're not a mistake. You're God's precious child, fearfully and wonderfully made. How could you sell yourself short of the glorious riches God has for you?? You deserve so much better than what you've been doing to yourself. The cuts on your legs represent the way you feel about yourself but God's love letter to us represents the way he feels about us. How many times in the Bible does God tell us he loves us?

I met with my youth pastor and his wife a lot when I was in 7th and 8th grade. Kim gave me this assignment. I had to search through the Bible and find who God thought I was as opposed to who I thought I was. There were contrast differences. It was amazing to me how often God calls us his loved ones, his children, his most valuable creation. We're wonderfully and fearfully made. My love is limited. But God's isn't. He's reaching out, he's calling your name. He wants you. He has SO much love to give away. He wants to heal your cuts, both literally and metaphorically. He wants to heal your broken heart. He wants to offer you comfort and rest. He's waiting for you. Turn around.


-Savannah

It's as if we were cracked...

"It was as if we were broken, I thought, as if we were never supposed to feel these sticky emotions. It was as if we were cracked, couldn’t love right, couldn’t feel good things for very long without screwing it all up. We were like gasoline engines running on diesel… From a very early age our souls are taught there is a comfort and a discomfort in the world, a good and bad if you will, a lovely and a frightening." - Blue Like Jazz

Something isn't right in our world. Everyone knows it. We all struggle with things-pain that comes into our life and seeks to steal the good things in our life. I think we all have a point in our life when we realize something isn't right. My dad wasn't around much when I was young. Him and my mom split. I remember I didn't realize that most people's parents lived together until I was about 4. Then I realized something was wrong.

There's a reason things are wrong. There's a reason this world is broken. There's a reason we go through pain and experience things we were never meant to experience. But there's also a God. There's a God who makes wrong things right. There's a God who fixes things. There's a God who has a better life planned for us; one that is filled with love, and hope, and future. I plan on sticking to this God. This is the God that I need in my life. I am no longer going to let my pain, fears, and failures be the god of my life. I'm going to let God and all of his hope and love and forgiveness be the God of my life.


-Savannah

Heavy Lifting

I've spent all day today moving my stuff from my old room to my new room downstairs. It hasn't exactly been easy. It's been a lot of heavy lifting and a lot of dusting. I'm not very strong. At all. In fact, the 5 year old boy I babysit can pin me down if he wants to. It's pathetic. And here I was today, trying to move my dresser and all these shelves downstairs, and into a new room. My back is now killing me, and I feel as if I'm covered in a thick layer of dirt. But now that it's over with, I feel so excited. I finally have my own room. I finally have a door. I finally feel like I accomplished something. I know, it's ridiculous that I'm getting all of this from lifting a couple of things, but I am.

Whenever I'm going through something hard, it's like lifting things for me. It takes so much out of me, makes me cry, and makes me feel like giving up. But once I'm done..Once I've gotten through it, things are so much better. I feel better and I act better and things just improve. I just need to keep holding on. I know things will improve. I just have to wait for when the heavy lifting is over.


-Savannah

Maybe I'm actually worth it...

Maybe I'm clinging onto something that no longer exists. Maybe the reason it still hurts me is because I'm doing something I shouldn't be. God didn't create us to live in fear and doubt and that's all I've been living in lately. I'm ready for things to be good again. I'm ready to feel like my load is lighter again. I'm definitely ready. I'm so tired of waiting for a guy who obviously no longer cares. I want to say I know it's worth it but if he's stopped caring...well then I guess I need to take my own advice and find a guy who cares about me no matter what. Maybe I'm actually worth it. who knows...

I'm trusting God to bring what he needs to into my life. If it's a relationship with you, than that's fine. But if it's not...well if it's not than maybe I'm wasting my time on something that isn't really in God's plan. I want it to be in His plan...but me telling God what I think He should do isn't really a good idea. It's in fact rather stupid. I guess I just need to believe in God and finally put my faith to the test. How much do I really believe God has my best interest at heart and how much do I really believe God won't let me down?
It's time to find out.

hmph

Missing someone can sometimes be the most painful thing. I hate missing you and I hate not seeing you. I wish things were better right now. I wish we still talked. I miss you.

High Speed Car Chase

I was just watching a high speed car chase on the news. I love watching them but my mom absolutely hates them. She says they're predictable. The driver does something bad normally: robbing a store, stealing a car, kidnapping someone, or even just speeding. So the driver keeps going when the cop attempts to pull him over. The driver really thinks he can get away from the police. Soon, more police are called in. Eventually, the driver either runs out of gas or gives up and gets caught. The driver then has to deal with not only the crime that made them run in the first place, but the new charges that will be placed against them for attempting to escape. Their lives are completely different based on that one decision they made.

Our lives are kind of like that I think. We mess up a lot. At least I know I do. I like to run away. For whatever reason, I think I can escape the punishment for what I did. I think I can escape God or my parents or my friends or whoever it is. But eventually, I run out of gas. Eventually, I can't run anymore. And I simply stop. I stop and deal with the added consequences of running for so long whether it be relationships that need mending, or apologies that need making.

So while I sat here and laughed at how ridiculous this guy was for thinking he could escape the police, I realized that we're just as bad for thinking we can run from God. God's not here to punish us when we mess up and he's not here to condemn us or gloat because we were wrong. He has open arms that are waiting to embrace us with forgiveness and grace. So let's stop running. God's waiting for us.

-Savannah

"When I got tired of running from you, I stopped right there to catch my breath. There your words they caught my ears. You said, "I miss you son, come home." And my sins, they watched me leave. And in my heart I so believe, the love you felt for me was more than the love I'd wished for all this time. And when the doors wre closed, I heard no "I told you so's". I said the words I knew you knew, "Oh God, Oh God, I needed you. God all this time I needed you. I needed you."